Thursday, August 13, 2015
Some dentist from my own state has gone off to Africa and messily killed a very popular lion. The world is horrified and outraged. It's nice to have something in common with the world. We are both easily horrified and outraged, though not, generally, about the same things.
It turns out that the Minnesota dentist has killed many times before. He has killed moose, polar bears, elk, bunnies, and probably people for all I know.
Of course, he's a hunter, so no doubt he only did it in a sporting manner.
"Mr. Smith, here is a lighter and a canteen full of water. You have 12 hours before I begin to track you down. Make good use of it. I do not wish for it to be, ah, too easy for me."
"My God! You must be insane! What kind of dentist are you? You can't hunt a human being!"
"Mr. Smith, I assure you I am not insane. I am a sportsman. But the clock has already started ticking so I suggest you stop arguing. Gentlemen, show Mr. Smith to the gates."
And every time this Minnesota dentist kills something it apparently cost him $50,000 in fees and permits and guides and all. I find this nearly as unsettling as all his rhino, bunny, people hunting. What kind of dentistry makes a person so much money they can be constantly dashing off for $50,000 long weekends, let alone maintaining a large island estate with henchmen for the purpose of hunting lost travelers for sport? I mean, even if the henchmen double as dental hygienists and the island estate's larder is fully stocked with frozen rhino and elephant steaks and with delicious lion chops, it's still gotta cost a fortune to maintain a helicopter and planes and a shark tank and a private satellite and a submarine and all that expensive state of the art hunting equipment.
So I'm just saying that if we can't get this Minnesota dentist for poaching, because he's dotted all the "t's" and crossed all the "i's", we might want to send in the American Dental Association or perhaps one of the big dental insurers. He could be up to even more nefarious things than murdering endangered species. He could be overcharging.