Friday, March 31, 2017

Candy Bars

In an attempt to capitalize on the enormous success of my blog I have been rolling out exciting new products that you can buy, only here, on clerkmanifesto. But today I present our most special new product yet: A candy bar! We think it might be the best new candy bar introduced in the past 40 years!

We call it The Lowbar.

Made from whatever the cheapest possible sweetener is available on the market and industrial grade imitation "cocoa" flavorings, among other things, this is just barely legal for human consumption, but it's sweet, and salty, and cheap. The Lowbar doesn't have any chemicals in it that are technically classified as a "poisons", at least at the per bar quantities we use them in. And we are immensely proud to claim that the Lowbar is %100 legal for sale as an FDA approved foodstuff.

We also don't use slave labor because that is illegal. We just use really low paid, mildly desperate overseas workers.

If you don't like our new Lowbar, you might enjoy our other new candy, The Highbar. Produced entirely in a single meadow in the Swiss Alps, with free ranging flower fed cows and Swiss Mountain hothouse grown cocoa, the Highbar is the only candy bar in the world to receive a coveted Protected Designation of Origin, like Champagne, or Parmigiano Reggiano. Each Highbar is hand numbered and sealed after exhaustive standards testing by the local Swiss regional town council. These exquisite candy bars are wrapped in a carefully prescribed, etched Fabriano paper container with food safe inks made from mashed mountain violets. It sells for $212 per 2.08 ounce candy.

Head on over to our blog store and try them both out!

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