Monday, June 26, 2017

Dear Guardian Newspaper Online

Dear Editor, Guardian Newspaper Online:

I was reading one of your infuriating articles, this one about some marketer pretending to be an artist who you called "The right wing Bansky" and of course I was once again furious. Mostly I was angry because you were wasting time on this ethically challenged pretender when you could instead have been writing all about me! You know how often you write about me? Wait, let me count up the number of times. It won't take long because you have never written about me. So I was about to give you one saucy piece of my mind, but comments were not open on that article.

So I had to just stew.

But then as my sauciness percolated in the stew and it all started to settle and meld into a low boil, I had an idea: You should publish me! You should publish my voluminous writing about me.

This would save you the trouble of writing about me, which seems to be beyond your capabilities anyway, what with all that "news" you cover, because I would be writing about me for you. Plus I'm pretty sure I could make a better job of it than you ever could in the unlikely event you ever tried. I'm a wellspring of insights on myself.

And who am I?

Only the finest writer in the world!

In English.

Who's mainly a satirist.

And largely unknown.

And how have you never heard of me?

I know! A News organization. It's unbelievable!

Looking forward to a long and fruitful working relationship,

F. Calypso

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