Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Rex Tillerson, Rest In Peace

Maybe it had to happen eventually, maybe it didn't. But a nation mourns. Rex Tillerson has been let go as our Secretary of State.

Beloved by many who knew him, and deeply admired for his work on behalf of, uh, important, er, stuff, Rex "The Fightin' Tuck" Tillerson was one of the most acclaimed Secretaries of State of his or any other time. The Consortium of Petroleum Historians has ranked "The Fightin' Tuck" Tillerson as their number two all time Secretary of State, behind only the luminous Jacob L. Martin, about whom schoolchildren still sing:

Jacob L. Martin,
Invented the paper carton,
Went to the holy see,
But was protestant he,
"Revolution" Italy cried!
Then Martin died.

Die, die, die Martin die! You weren't really Secretary of State, just an Interim for two days. So die, die, die Martin die!

(Repeat ad infinitum)

This might be the most well known school yard chant since the (totally justified and badly overdue) retirement of "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees..."

But we're not here to talk about Jacob L. Martin. We're here to talk about the accomplishments of one of our other great Secretary of States! Maybe even our greatest: Rex Tillerson! Just look at what this amazing man accomplished in little over a year:




Oh, well, we'd be here forever if I listed them all!

Let's just say, the greatness is gone from the Trump administration, and without the Fightin' Tuck Tillerson, salad eater, global warmer, and Eagle Scout, at its beating heart, failure is going to swallow this administration whole, without remorse, and we're all going to die. Die, die, we'll die like Jacob Martin.

Die, die, die Martin die! You weren't really Secretary of State, just an Interim for two days. So die, die, die Martin die!

So kind of a sad day.

Farewell, Rexy Fightin' Tuck, we loved you even more than Jacob L. Martin. Just by a little.

Donald Trump, a perfect President until now, has utterly destroyed America with one stroke of his pen, and he now has not a single friend or supporter in all of America. But it's too late. It's all too late.

May God have mercy on us all.

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