Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Current approval ratings for God

Current Approval Ratings for God


The firm of Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel has scientifically surveyed 13,600 homes to assess the current approval ratings for God. The following results are an assimilation of the full data of the accounting firm of Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel and are as accurate as possible. For the detailed, full results you will need to log in to the Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel twitter account and view the hashtag #Calypso,Calypso,Calypso,and/Garfunkel/2018/survey/to/assess/the/unexpurgated/approval/ratings/for/God.

Religious institutions and scholars can receive our detailed survey results on printed vellum by sending eight boxtops from Lucky Charms Cereal to:

Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel "How's God Doing?" Cereal Giveaway
Promotions Dept.
Box 25252-4
Battle Creek, Michigan 49014

General Questions:

How good of a job do you think God is doing?

42 percent of respondents feel God is doing a good or "awesome" job.
28 percent of respondents feel God is doing "pretty good" considering the circumstances, not blaming anyone in particular.
16 percent of respondents are concerned that "there is something seriously wrong with god".
5  percent of respondents feel they have been singled out by God unfairly but otherwise God's doing an "okay" job.
9  percent of respondents feel that "How dare you ask questions judging our Lord God you damned atheist!"

Has God's performance improved, stayed the same, or gotten worse?

7   percent of respondents feel it has improved but are only saying that because they "feel sorry for God".
14 percent of respondents feel it has improved, even though it was already perfect, you damned atheist!
42 percent of respondents feel it has stayed the same, but these were mostly older respondents who eat very little cereal.
21 percent of respondents feel it has gotten worse and hope their honesty won't get them smited.
16 percent of respondents have no opinion because they're trying to hurry the survey along and really regret agreeing to take part in it.

By Religion and Religious Affiliation

How good a job is the God of Muslims doing?

32 percent of Muslim respondents feel he is doing a "good" or "great" job and seemed kind of defensive about it, perhaps justifiably.
29 percent of Muslim respondents looked at us funny.
21 percent of Muslim respondents were very friendly and made us want peace for all peoples of the world
6   percent of Muslim respondents feel God is doing "not great, not great at all" and they gritted their teeth.
12   percent of Muslim respondents hung up on us.

91 percent of non-Muslim respondents feel he is not doing a good job and should be far less Muslim, then asked us, like, 30 questions about Muslims that seemed to indicate they had no idea about any of it.
9   percent of non-Muslim respondents don't feel comfortable saying their feelings out loud.

How good a job is the God of Jews doing?

14 percent of Jewish respondents feel he is doing a wonderful job and then they said fifteen minutes worth of other stuff
86 percent of Jewish respondents said a great deal and had many strong opinions, but we weren't able to figure out what their answer was to our survey question.

62 percent of non-Jewish respondents said or did something that might have been anti-semetic, but didn't do so on purpose, we don't think.
38 percent of non-Jewish respondents said or did something that probably we think was anti-semetic and might have done it on purpose, we're not sure.

How good a job is the God of Christians doing?

64 percent of Christian respondents mumbled platitudes that seemed to indicate favorable outlooks.
18 percent of Christian respondents kept turning the other cheek so we couldn't hear their answer.
4   percent of Christian respondents said something we couldn't quite catch about Muslims.
8  percent of Christian respondents said something vague and long-winded that indicated they might or might not be in favor of one or two of the holy trinity.
6  percent of Christian respondents accused us of being unfair to Donald Trump.

100 percent of non-Christian respondents sounded exasperated, though admittedly we weren't entirely sure whether it was with Christianity or the survey.


No comments:

Post a Comment

If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.