Linking yesterday and tomorrow

 

 

 

Yesterday I promised you a long rumination on the foibles of the common wisdom "You make your own luck." I started with the thesis: If you're making your own luck it's not luck.

Then I realized I'd said everything that needed to be said, and in record time. 

But then today I remembered I write a blog and now have composed extremely close to 3,000 blog posts. If any fact could be said to demonstrate a belief in me that there is no such thing as saying everything that needed to be said, that is it. 

I just occasionally pretend that I have said everything that needed to be said so that I can

A. Finish up my blog post for the day.

B. Start my next blog post for the next day.

C. Desperately try and stop your attention from wandering away.

D. All of the above.

No. It's not a quiz. It's a lack of commitment to an answer.

 

Yes, you're right. "D" is the correct answer. Wow, you're good.

So then, would you like me to ruminate further on how you can't make your own luck?

 

Oh.

 

I thought you were going to say yes.

Although on the bright side that means we're all finished up here for the day! I'll get started on tomorrow's blog post right away! You'll love it. It's about "scones".

No, not scones, "scones".

 

You'll see.

 

 

 

 

Individual

There was a study a long time ago where four-year-olds were given a marshmallow and told they could eat it right away, or, if they waited, with their tempting, uneaten marshmallow, for the marshmallow dispensing researcher to return, they could then have two marshmallows. A second marshmallow would be added to the first.

The study found that some kids could wait, and some kids could very much not wait. And when they revisited those kids 13 years later, when they were all 17, they found that the kids who were able to wait and get two marshmallows, back when they were four, now all had notably higher IQ's than the kids who, back then, couldn't. The kids who ate the one marshmallow, besides turning out dumber, were also more likely to have drug problems and to get in trouble a lot too.

Naturally I wondered what I would have done in the test as a four-year-old. I longed to be the smart child who would have waited and gotten two marshmallows, but that didn't ring true. Did I eat the one marshmallow? that seemed a bit off too.

And then it dawned on me what I would have done, even as a four-year-old.

I would have gotten mad at god.

Current approval ratings for God

Current Approval Ratings for God

Preamble:

The firm of Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel has scientifically surveyed 13,600 homes to assess the current approval ratings for God. The following results are an assimilation of the full data of the accounting firm of Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel and are as accurate as possible. For the detailed, full results you will need to log in to the Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel twitter account and view the hashtag #Calypso,Calypso,Calypso,and/Garfunkel/2018/survey/to/assess/the/unexpurgated/approval/ratings/for/God.

Religious institutions and scholars can receive our detailed survey results on printed vellum by sending eight boxtops from Lucky Charms Cereal to:

Calypso, Calypso, Calypso, and Garfunkel "How's God Doing?" Cereal Giveaway
Promotions Dept.
Box 25252-4
Battle Creek, Michigan 49014

General Questions:

How good of a job do you think God is doing?

42 percent of respondents feel God is doing a good or "awesome" job.
28 percent of respondents feel God is doing "pretty good" considering the circumstances, not blaming anyone in particular.
16 percent of respondents are concerned that "there is something seriously wrong with god".
5  percent of respondents feel they have been singled out by God unfairly but otherwise God's doing an "okay" job.
9  percent of respondents feel that "How dare you ask questions judging our Lord God you damned atheist!"


Has God's performance improved, stayed the same, or gotten worse?

7   percent of respondents feel it has improved but are only saying that because they "feel sorry for God".
14 percent of respondents feel it has improved, even though it was already perfect, you damned atheist!
42 percent of respondents feel it has stayed the same, but these were mostly older respondents who eat very little cereal.
21 percent of respondents feel it has gotten worse and hope their honesty won't get them smited.
16 percent of respondents have no opinion because they're trying to hurry the survey along and really regret agreeing to take part in it.

By Religion and Religious Affiliation

How good a job is the God of Muslims doing?

32 percent of Muslim respondents feel he is doing a "good" or "great" job and seemed kind of defensive about it, perhaps justifiably.

29 percent of Muslim respondents looked at us funny.

21 percent of Muslim respondents were very friendly and made us want peace for all peoples of the world

6   percent of Muslim respondents feel God is doing "not great, not great at all" and they gritted their teeth.

12   percent of Muslim respondents hung up on us.

91 percent of non-Muslim respondents feel he is not doing a good job and should be far less Muslim, then asked us, like, 30 questions about Muslims that seemed to indicate they had no idea about any of it.

9   percent of non-Muslim respondents don't feel comfortable saying their feelings out loud.

How good a job is the God of Jews doing?

14 percent of Jewish respondents feel he is doing a wonderful job and then they said fifteen minutes worth of other stuff

86 percent of Jewish respondents said a great deal and had many strong opinions, but we weren't able to figure out what their answer was to our survey question.

62 percent of non-Jewish respondents said or did something that might have been anti-semetic, but didn't do so on purpose, we don't think.

38 percent of non-Jewish respondents said or did something that probably we think was anti-semetic and might have done it on purpose, we're not sure.

How good a job is the God of Christians doing?

64 percent of Christian respondents mumbled platitudes that seemed to indicate favorable outlooks.

18 percent of Christian respondents kept turning the other cheek so we couldn't hear their answer.

4   percent of Christian respondents said something we couldn't quite catch about Muslims.

8  percent of Christian respondents said something vague and long-winded that indicated they might or might not be in favor of one or two of the holy trinity.

6  percent of Christian respondents accused us of being unfair to Donald Trump.

100 percent of non-Christian respondents sounded exasperated, though admittedly we weren't entirely sure whether it was with Christianity or the survey.

 

How Jewish are you?

The other day I was compelled by honor to measure myself and the status of my Jewishness against The Ten Commandments, at least as they are translated into a fairly simple minded English. Depending on how one scored the results I am either a Tzaddik, that is a kind of a Jewish Saint, or the worst nightmare of my distant Shtetl ancestors. We would have to consult the Talmud to know for sure. Though on the other hand one can get the Talmud to say anything one wants if one tries hard enough.

Anyway, this little test I gave myself created quite a ............ well, I forget the word, but it means something like "not much interest."  And naturally people theoretically wanted to know how Jewish they were in relation to The Ten Commandments, only in actuality they didn't, as far as I know. And so, by no particular demand, I have created this little test, er, for those people, in case they might be out there. 

How Much of a Traditional Jew are You?

Read the commandment below and then choose the answer that best fits your response.

1.    I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have any gods before me.

A. You're the boss! Please don't smite me!
B. Ohhh, there are other gods? Interesting...
C. You seem a little needy and insecure. Would you like to talk about it?
D. Jesus doesn't count does he? Cause he's you, too, right?



2.    You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything.

A. This is my favorite commandment!
B. I like it too. I have embroidered it on my special Tallit.
C. No worries. All my idols are invisible magic ones.
D. I promise to sell all my idol "doubles" on ebay. How's that?



3.   You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

A. I am uncomfortable even breathing the holy word, and wish you would quit blasphemously fully spelling out G-D like you do. Please stop. 
B. I mostly just use it to open jars.
C. I mostly just use it to make injuries hurt less.
D. Well, aren't you Mr. Bossy. There's still seven more of these?



 Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

A. Friday sundown to Saturday sundown, though I add an hour on each end to make sure.
B. I keep every second holy just to make sure it's covered.
C. "Now" is the holiest day of them all.
D. Making money is the holiest thing one can do. But, okay, I try and relax a bit on Sunday morning.



Honor your father and your mother.

A. Mum and Dad are the best.
B. I try and I keep getting cancer and yelling at everyone I know.
C. Oops, I thought it was "Iron" your father and your mother. They are mostly wrinkle free. Will I get any points for this?
D. Hail Satan!



You shall not murder.

A. I am a faithful fruitarian.
B. I only kill by the laws of Kashrut.
C. I only murder when my handler at Mossad tells me to.
D. It was self defense all 627 times, hallowed be his name!



You shall not commit adultery.

A. Neither in mind nor body.
B. Absolutely, as soon as I marry.
C. Never for pleasure.
D. Does this apply to Presidents?



You shall not steal.

A. I'd rather die!
B. Oh, "A" puts it rather strongly. Er, I mean, only if I were starving.
C. Right, like "A" and "B" and then some occasional "tips" that people would surely want to give me if they knew me personally, which is not stealing anyway.
D. Never! I run a completely legal Fortune 500 Corporation! Hollowed be His name.


 You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

A. I am blessed with wonderful neighbors, but no matter what I would always honor their say.
B. Okay. Sure. Whatever.
C. They lied about me first!
D. Which neighbor? The dog poisoners or the one who keeps sneaking into my house to read my mail?



You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, or property.

A. As you wish my Lord. I put my faith in you.
B. As you wish my Lord. I turn away from my neighbors sweet, sweet, aegian blue Honda Civic Coupe.
C. I don't covet it. I just really think I deserve it more.
D. Right, don't covet, just work really hard to get one of my own. Gotcha!




Scoring


For every A. answer give yourself three points.
For every B. answer give yourself two points.
For every C. answer give yourself one point.
Sorry, no points for any D. answers.


Add your totals.



You score 25 to 30:

The Torah is the holy word of G-D



You score 18 to 24:

The Bible, while fictional, is an inspired work full of inspiration and guidance



You score 8 to 17:

Gosh, I never read these before. They were interesting!



You score 0 to 7:

Praise Jesus. Hallelujah!

The clerkmanifesto genius quiz

Are you a genius?

How can you trust your own highly invested self-assurance, or, conversely, that your noble humility won't muck up your scientific evaluation.

That's where this test comes into play.

Yes, you may have taken a genius test before. One of two things invariably happened: 

1. They said you were a genius because your qualities and abilities matched the ones that they themselves had and over-valued. Or

2. They said you weren't a genius because they were jealous, jealous of your genius.

Either way they had an axe to grind, a chip in the pot, a cliche nailed up on the metaphor for all souls to see. Oh how I hate them.

On the other hand I don't have an axe to grind. Except against Republicans. And fast food sandwich restaurants. And the rich. And most dog owners. And Kazuo Ishiguro. And the Internet. And Centrists. And the country of Poland. And managers. And the publishing industry. And all the people who don't read my blog. And God. 

And especially those bloody disingenuous people with their damn genius tests!

Oh how I hate them. I hate them more than anything in the whole world! I hate hate hate the genius test people!!!!!

Not for anything they ever did to me. And not really for anything they did to anyone else. But for, well, er, um, actually I can't think of anything right now. And, so, um, maybe I don't hate them all that much. Maybe I like them. I haven't worked that out yet. I have to think this over.

But that's not the point.

The point is, well, it's around here someplace. Hang on while I look.

Oh. I know what it was. It was that you should take my test. 

My god it's hard. Incredibly hard. Awe-inspiringly hard.

No, not the test. I'm referring to writing the introductory comments.

The test is actually pretty easy...

If you're a genius!

 The Clerkmanifesto Genius Quiz

1. The name of this test is:

     A. I'm going to have to think outside of the box for this one, aren't I? Clever!
     B. Ah, you no fool me. Trick question. You tell me what the name of this test is!
     C. The Clerkmanifesto Genius Quiz.
     D. I see, weeding out the weak on the first question.
     E. I'm supposed to expect a first answer to be a "C" or "D", but it's always "E" to throw people off.


2. The most common mistake the blog author makes in writing Clerkmanifesto is:

     A. Its for it's and it's for its.
     B. No, wait, it's it's for its and its for it's. Yes, that one.
     C. Functionally "A" and "B" are the same and so must be a set up for "C" to be correct.
     D. Mistake? But there's never been, oh, I see, wink's as good as a nod to a blind man. Mistake indeed!
     E. I hate to be the one to tell you, but just when Clerkmanifesto has the golden ring in its grasp it gets distracted by the meaning of the universe.


3. The meaning of the Universe is:

     A. Probably around here somewhere.
     B. I just pick whatever letter choice tells me which letter choice to pick. This question doesn't have one of those, but this one is at least closest in spirit.
     C. Oh man, do these get any harder? Who doesn't know this?
     D. People like the "Answer "C"" guy just drive me crazy. Fine, everyone knows, so just tell me for god's sake! 
     E. Can everyone just settle down here? The answer is "Love", or sometimes "Revenge". Like 90% "Love", 10% "Revenge".


4. How many questions are in this test?

     A. Oh man, this is a mindbender. We, taking the test, can see how many questions there are, but you, still writing the test, cannot. How then will you fill out your multiple choice answers?
          a. Right, I didn't think of that!
          b. b.
          c. How many points do we get for answering the questions in the answers? I'm asking for a friend.
          d. It's not that big a deal, he merely needs to take a fair guess at what the answer will be and then stick to it as he completes writing the quiz.
          e. I'm a friend of "C". Did "C" leave me any messages? 
     B. Three?
     C. On the 4th question it's almost always "all of the above" or "none of the above". Look for one of those to show up as a choice and choose that. Don't worry, they won't both be in there.
     D. It can't be many more now as most of the thematic and narrative elements have played through.
     E. I'm going to skip this one and come back to it later if there's still time left.



Scoring:


We have automatically scored your test. Well done. Your score is:

43



What your score means:


1-10:


Yes, congratulations! You are a genius. But more the garden variety type that hangs out in the four corners area of the U.S. mistaking train themed murals for the real thing and unsuccessfully hunting flightless birds.


11-20:


You are a hard core genius who, well, you've already deduced the rest of what I was going to say.


21-30:


Hello Albert Einstein!

(This zone range is reserved for Albert Einstein. If by error your test result fell into this range and you are not Albert Einstein please double check your results, resubmit or, if still in the 21-30 range, send an error documentation report to our trunk office. We apologize for any inconvenience).


31-40:

))(__+|\+?>>><&^^^%&$><.<.


41-50:

I'm kind of embarrassed you read my blog, but, like, honored.

You've been here awhile, haven't you?

If you can come up to me at the front desk of my library, ask me a full question, and come all the way to the end of it before I start answering, that means that one of the following is happening:

1. I am discreetly finishing, chewing and swallowing, some small snack.

2. I am stalling for time as I finish some other work on my computer.

3. It's a very slow day, and it's just nice to have a patron around.

4. I am thinking about a prospective blog post, maybe even this one!

5. You are very new to English, or you are somewhat out of your mind.

The truth is that in the vast majority of cases I have the answer to your question based on your posture, tone, appearance, and/or the first few words out of your mouth. 

I can answer your question faster than you can pose it.

Are your hands low, are you approaching cautiously? Yes, I can get you a library card.

Are you 74 years old starting to say something about PBS? I will look into the status of our copies of Downton Abbey for you.

Dressed like a Mormon with a little Mormon badge on? Here is an Internet pass.


Are these simple parlour tricks? Sure, humanity itself, like any amateur poker player, has its tells.

I've just been here long enough to learn a few million of them.

Ideas that are horses

Having burst into this day by drinking two large cappuccinos I have had no problem generating an excellent idea for today's blog post. Indeed I have generated at least seven ideas so far, and you would have loved each one. Really. Very insightful they were, passionate, rip roaring, funny, illuminating stuff. Unfortunately each one of these fabulous ideas has gone racing through my fevered and caffeinated brain like a wild horse on a rampage of power. There is the horse, and it is beautiful and wild and perfect. It runs by in a blaze of ferocious glory, and it's gone. Could I even have seen such perfection? I don't know because the only notes I have on my ideas look like this:

Liyuan Library, triumph of print!

Librarians and Journalists!!!

cell phones advancement to past.

great lives and not trying.

It doesn't look like so much there, does it? I have a vague sense of what each one was supposed to be about, an echo of the thrilling rolling thuds of their hoof-beats, a heart piercing flash of a vision of their rolled back wild eyes and me standing astonished among the dunes and wild grasses.

Ah, well, written or not, great or not, they would have all disappeared to the west, toward the sea. Whether I could have read my vision over again as bona fide art, or just remember them as fading, fearsome and mighty dreams, they go, and are gone.

And that is how it is. Life is the disabusement of our ideas of how things should be. But I do not despair. I don't even feel sad, oddly enough. I have my scraps of the tiny pieces of my ideas. I will go track down some of those horses on the dunes. And no doubt I will even manage to reconstruct a few of those pieces for you to read here. They'll probably be worse than their original, brilliant, racing visions, but that's how it usually is anyway. And yet too, they could be better than all my wild imaginations. Greatness. Though I sometimes do, it has never been for me to say.