When the average person has some unexpected emergency these days the first thing they are inclined to do is search it on the Internet. And even though we all hate the Internet, we mostly don't know that we hate the Internet and thus we heavily rely upon it. A recent study has shown that when someone lops off their forefinger in a kitchen accident the first thing they do is type in a Google search:
"Wat do I do we I cop off figer?"
To Google's credit, because people cannot type the letters m,n,h,j,y, and u without their right forefinger, the above search is immediately recognized as "What do I do we I chop off finger?" which is good enough to direct one to a useful answer, but still so willfully stupid that one can nevertheless feel superior to the famed search engine despite having just wildly maimed oneself while merely trying to slice a carrot.
But I digress.
The problem is, as you well know, that though the Internet has all the answers people have come up with for all problems, people haven't actually come up with very many actual, usable answers for problems. At least not ones that work. When I was magnificently sick with the flu recently I could search the Internet all I liked for how to get or feel better, but there was never any reasonable answer other than
1. Drink fluids.
Which is good advice despite not doing much to make one feel better, and
Yes, you heard me. There is no two. It's just basically
2. You'll probably get better. But doesn't it suck?
And here is why the Internet is evil, or broken, or not your friend:
The proper top search for "How do I get better quick from the flu?" should be
"What to do if you have the flu?"
1. Drink fluids. It's a good idea for not making things worse, but it won't make you feel much better.
2. Nothing else. Do whatever, but it doesn't actually matter or make a difference. You'll probably get better eventually, more slowly than you think. It sucks!
3. You can now read all the other bullshit on the Internet.
Why do I bring all this up?
We seem to have a little moth infestation. It's hard to tell. We blame some walnuts from a rogue, and frankly evil online walnut seller. We killed three moths that apparently came from the pantry. But we found no infestation or any infected food to speak of. Still, we precautionarily threw away some food that could, hypothetically, be a problem. We looked moth infestations up on the Internet. What did it say?
I don't know, something like "Wash everything. Vacuum everything. Throw away everything."
I could have guessed that.
I made a chocolate mocha latte and wrote this blog post. I'm hoping that will take care of the problem.
You can now read all the other bullshit on the Internet.