Little known facts of olden tymes: changing ears

 

 

 

Did you know that in the olden days of yore people's ears used to grow continuously, like hair, or fingernails?

Many people don't know this, but there are many clues to it hidden in ancient cultures. One of the oldest songs known, "Do Your Ears Hang Low", which is said to date back to Babylonian Culture, and later morphed into a classic 16th Century Italian Madrigal, and was finally modernized as the playground song you will be very familiar with, is expressly about overgrown, or "untrimmed" ears, ones that "hang low" and "wobble to and fro".

Geneticists say that the end of continuous ear growth, commonly referred to as CEG, is the last identifiable discreet event in human evolution. Between the years 1000 and 1600, for reasons not fully understood, human beings stopped having continuously growing ears. Until this faded out of humanity's physical makeup, people all over the world regularly trimmed their ears.

I know that this sounds very weird to us, and even painful. But I assure you that a thousand years ago it was taken for granted. Also it wasn't painful (unless one cut too close), because the excess "ear", which could be so prodigious as to be tied "in a knot", or tied "in a bow", had no nerve endings and was not reached by the circulatory system, and so could be easily and safely trimmed and clipped, sometimes even pounded off with rocks. 

While the famed playground song refers to ears "sticking out" and standing high, most references in the song have to do with the dropping. They "hang low" and they "dangle". This is because the primary excess growth tended to be in the lobe, growing down, as shown in this statue of a Buddha.

But there was, especially as we go further back in human history, extra growth, CEG, all around the outside of the ear, which is why there are references to waving them "at your neighbor" and "flapping" them, and, not least, to the exaggerated ability to use them to "fly around the town". But outside of a few very exceptional cultures, ear trimming was standard, and it is unusual to find representations of people with untrimmed ears.

Which, perhaps, is why this children's song's most complete version has a final verse that ends with "Do your ears fall off?"

Which, in the olden days, they sort of did.

Disneyland Venice

When the cry goes up that some storied vacation destination is being ruined by its visitors I have some sympathy, but I am also skeptical. My sympathy for the residents of said places, Florence, Bruges, Venice, Barcelona, is tempered by the fact that those people do get to live there. Those are beautiful, interesting places! I am also wary of this impulse to blame the visitors to begin with. While visitors have a huge impact on these cultural wonderlands, they don't actually have very much power as to how they are run. That power lies more with the local government, which, hopefully, in democracies such as these, are chosen by the people who live there. The tourists don't get a vote. The impact of visitors is, I believe, almost entirely controllable by the cities themselves.

Now the elephant in the room is that there are some people making an awful lot of money in places like Venice or Florence. And if there are dire problems with the disappearance of Venice as a real city it probably comes down to them far more than to their largely goodhearted and well-heeled tourists. But for the sake of brevity and simplicity I am all for setting that aside here. Perhaps we'll revisit it some other time. But today we are simply taking a practical look and are making our first steps towards fixing problems.

And as our test city we will use Venice, as it is the most impacted, decultured, and Disneyfied city in all of Europe. Also the fact that it's an island works easily with our plans.

Before I go any further I want to say that this is probably going to horrify you. So brace yourself.


1. Admit that Venice is a Disneyland of sorts, and start treating it more like one.

Venice has long since been subsumed in its tourism. Instead of trying to manage all the greedy cash grabbing of businesses and the tourists seeking cheap and easy thrills all while trying to pretend Venice is a real Italian city, Venice needs to lean into what it actually is and leverage that to make it more what it wants to be.

2. Charge an admission fee.

I like a couple different scenarios here. On the one hand a flat rate of 100 euros per adult to enter Venice seems reasonable and especially effective with what might be Venice's biggest problem; day visitors. I like even better a larger entrance fee, 250 euros or so, that would make all transportation and museums free to anyone in the city, which would further benefit locals. A flat fee is essential, having the effect of encouraging longer visits and taxing short ones. Making the entrance free or cheaper for young people, students, and locals should be worked in as well.

3 Tax policy

This could get complicated and be applicable to a far broader array of cities than just the heavily touristed ones. But we can start with the more businesses a person or company owns the higher their tax rate should be. If an owner does not live in Venice they should also pay higher taxes. Air bnb's and partially unoccupied second homes should further be taxed at special, higher rates. The main goal here is a capitalism that hobbles big businesses and corporations and all that is generic, lowest common denominator, cookie cutter culture, but, in the best spirit of capitalism, invites small, unique, clever, and quality, local, mom and pop businesses to get modestly rich.

4. Spend all that money!

All of this creates a lot of new money for Venice while also easing the crowds a bit. This money still needs to be spent properly. Here are a few ideas:

     A. Subsidized high minimum wages and housing for people who work in Venice.
     B. Lots of very good, well tended, free public bathrooms. An excellent plan for any popular city that doesn't want to smell like pee.
     C. More civic employees working unexciting jobs at very good wages in an extraordinary place: garbage pickup, vaporetto drivers and mechanics, janitorial work, information kiosks, first aid, customer service, inspectors, and security. This will not only make the city safer, cleaner, and easier to navigate and enjoy, but it will help contribute to a local economy and community of people working and living in Venice.
     D. Longer museum hours. Spread the joy.
     E. Grants, opportunities, and tax breaks for both local craftspeople and artisans, and for more practical shops and stores.


And that's my plan for a start. What does it do? It makes Venice a little less crowded due to some people not finding the steep admission worth it just for a day or two. It creates or encourages a middle class local culture that lives, works, and is invested in the city. It encourages a more inventive tourism culture. It makes the city better kept, easier to enjoy, better spread out, and more like a natural city, even if it isn't one.

It's worth a try before it sinks.

Poll poll

Clerkmanifesto today reported on the results of its comprehensive new poll on its comprehensive new poll. With a sample size of 100,000 subjects this is by far the single most thorough poll ever conducted on itself. Seeking to establish people's feelings about the poll they are taking part in, it has an error rate of just plus/minus one percent due to its impressive sample size. It's key findings include:

22% of respondents were very excited about the poll.

61% of respondents thought it was an incredibly pointless poll but didn't want to make anyone feel bad by hanging up the phone after agreeing to take part in it.

14% of respondents could not for the life of them figure out what the poll was about no matter how many times we explained it to them.


12% of respondents really liked the second question in the poll

42% of respondents wanted to know what the second question in the poll was.

39% of respondents were pretty sure we were "pulling their leg"
 

And finally:

88% of respondents were okay or very okay with the poll ending

Whereas 

12% of respondents were really quite lonely.

A theory of art

I love getting all objective about art as much as the next person. Actually I love it at least twice as much as the next person, and maybe even three times as much. Not only are there ongoing series running in this space with titles like "The Hundred Greatest Albums of All Time" and "Did I mention yet that Caravaggio is the best painter ever? Because I'm going to do it again right now!", but you might also have noticed all my book reviews, reviews of Romantic Comedies, and even my copious reviews of Italian Gelaterias, which are not infrequent visitors to this space, have their fair share of a tone I would describe as VOICE OF GOD. 

Well, it's about fifty-fifty VOICE OF GOD and "I'm really quite absurd", just to keep everyone on their toes.

Is everyone on their toes? 

At the large, near urban library where I work, across and to the right from the front desk of the library, there is a large, abstract painting on the wall there. It is of unparalleled ugliness.

Wait, I was just being dramatic to make my account really pop and because "unparalleled ugliness" is a very fancy thing to get to say. But it's not true and I'm kind of embarrassed. It is not a painting of unparalleled ugliness! It is a painting of pretty regularly paralleled ugliness. 

But, and to invoke the voice of god:

IT IS NOT A GOOD PAINTING!

No one could think it is a good painting. It is void of feeling, technique, invention, purpose, and understanding. And last week two library patrons walked by it and one stopped and said "I love that painting." It wasn't casual. She said it like she meant it!

And so, as I do whenever I encounter anything that threatens to tear my brain apart, I developed a theory. Don't worry. It's wasn't hard work. I develop theories like breathing. They come in. They go out. And before you know, wallah!, 2,500 theories and you can read them all, right here, at clerkmanifesto. Tell your friends.

On second thought, don't tell your friends. It's not really their sort of thing. Though I'm glad you like it.

Here is my theory:

Different people like different art.

The thing about Van Gogh is that maybe one of his paintings will have 60 percent of the people who look at it really liking it or loving it. That's a lot of people! And the painting in my library will maybe have one percent of one percent liking it. That's very few people. That difference makes one of the paintings wildly sought after and valuable, and appropriate for a museum. Whereas the other is wrongly mounted to the wall in a public library when, really, it belongs in the house of that one person who commented on it the other day, where she can sit and like it all by her lonesome.

Or, perhaps even more bluntly, Harry Potter is loved by so many people that they had to print 100 million copies of it and the author became one of the richest people in the world. Whereas I, for instance, think this blog post is notably better than the final book in Ms Rowling's series, but I'm nearly alone in that contention.

Does that make me wrong and everyone else right?

Yes, generally. 

But specifically, no.

No, no, no, no!

In fact, and here is the thing in the valuing of art that I kind of like: 

Whoever is making the argument, wins.

Library statistics on fine collection and necessary budgets

As the concept of going fine free sweeps through the world of twin cities libraries like an angry wind, many key issues come flying through the back halls and shabby conference rooms of my library. A key one was addressed in a question posed by a library board member.

"Why," She asked the library director "Can't we get rid of library fines?"

"Because we need the money." The library director answered.

Fair enough. But then the board member had an inspiration. Or maybe she was planning it all along. "How much" She asked "Staff time would we save if staff no longer had to spend time collecting fines?"

This is the question that came down the line to us, the circulation workers, down here. No, no, way down here! Yes, us, working in the ol' boiler rooms of the library system, stoking the ol' engines. Hi.

We all had quite a chat about this. Ten minutes an hour was thrown out as a figure, which on reflection seemed seriously inflated. Five? For one person or two? I weighed in at this point with an impassioned "What we do here at the front desk of the library cannot be quantified by mere numbers!" This didn't add a lot to the conversation.

We didn't settle on anything exactly. Except that we need a chess clock! See, you're at the front desk of the library and someone gives you their card. You hit the chess clock GO button, then say "You have 30 cents in fines on your card." They say "I'll get it later." Then you slam the STOP button. Then you repeat as applicable.

This is the only way to get an accurate picture of how much time we spend on fines currently.

Plus, as the supply procurer for the library, it would be fun to order a chess clock. I've really grown to enjoy ordering all kinds of junk for the library.

Which, unfortunately, takes a lot of money.

How to get rid of moths

When the average person has some unexpected emergency these days the first thing they are inclined to do is search it on the Internet. And even though we all hate the Internet, we mostly don't know that we hate the Internet and thus we heavily rely upon it. A recent study has shown that when someone lops off their forefinger in a kitchen accident the first thing they do is type in a Google search:

"Wat do I do we I cop off figer?"

To Google's credit, because people cannot type the letters m,n,h,j,y, and u without their right forefinger, the above search is immediately recognized as "What do I do we I chop off finger?" which is good enough to direct one to a useful answer, but still so willfully stupid that one can nevertheless feel superior to the famed search engine despite having just wildly maimed oneself while merely trying to slice a carrot.

But I digress.

The problem is, as you well know, that though the Internet has all the answers people have come up with for all problems, people haven't actually come up with very many actual, usable answers for problems. At least not ones that work. When I was magnificently sick with the flu recently I could search the Internet all I liked for how to get or feel better, but there was never any reasonable answer other than

1. Drink fluids.

Which is good advice despite not doing much to make one feel better, and

2. Nothing.

Yes, you heard me. There is no two. It's just basically

2. You'll probably get better. But doesn't it suck?

And here is why the Internet is evil, or broken, or not your friend:

The proper top search for "How do I get better quick from the flu?" should be

1. Clerkmanifesto.

With

"What to do if you have the flu?"

1. Drink fluids. It's a good idea for not making things worse, but it won't make you feel much better.

2. Nothing else. Do whatever, but it doesn't actually matter or make a difference. You'll probably get better eventually, more slowly than you think. It sucks!

3. You can now read all the other bullshit on the Internet.


Why do I bring all this up?

We seem to have a little moth infestation. It's hard to tell. We blame some walnuts from a rogue, and frankly evil online walnut seller. We killed three moths that apparently came from the pantry. But we found no infestation or any infected food to speak of. Still, we precautionarily threw away some food that could, hypothetically, be a problem. We looked moth infestations up on the Internet. What did it say?

I don't know, something like "Wash everything. Vacuum everything. Throw away everything."

Fine.

I could have guessed that.

I made a chocolate mocha latte and wrote this blog post. I'm hoping that will take care of the problem.

You can now read all the other bullshit on the Internet.

Flock of aardvarks

I was walking up the East River Road, which is a road I walk up, on the river, on the east side of it. In the distance I saw a great group of animals milling about on some grass. They were low to the ground and had an odd profile in the October mists. I was pretty sure they were aardvarks. Though they could have as easily been armadillos. Either way this would have been pretty interesting because we don't see a lot of aardvarks or armadillos in The Twin Cities. A recent Aardvark/Armadillo Survey conducted by the DNR of Minnesota turned up no aardvarks and armadillos at all, which would have made the survey a huge waste of money if it didn't prove my point.

And what, you ask, is my point?

Well, let's get a little closer to this flock of aardvarks.

They're not aardvarks. They are turkeys!

That's my point!

There were 19 turkeys there. I counted them three times to be sure. Each time there were 19 turkeys. You can mess with 18 turkeys, but you do not mess with 19 wild turkeys. I did not mess with the turkeys. They were very busy anyway. And I had to hurry up because I was going to invariably take an ill-conceived short cut that would make me very late.

A car pulled over. The window rolled down and a person inside took a picture of all the turkeys. You can probably find it on the Internet. But it won't be the same.

The same as what? You ask.

That's my point!

How Autumn begins

Fall began.

I first noted it in a scattering of trees with their colors bolting. That sea of green has just begun its lurid turn. It's my favorite time of year.

But something concerned me. Why only these trees so far? Why now? I have studied the science behind the color change in trees but I was not satisfied. Why do some trees, even of the same species and general size and age, turn burning orange while others remain, for another day or week, still lush in their greenery?

But then I got a scientific theory in my brain: Micro-Climates!

But a theory is nothing without proof. Just look at my 1,800 blog posts so far. So I assembled a backpack full of scientific measuring devices and headed off into the wild bluffs of the upper Mississippi, a half hidden wilderness sluicing through the beating heart of the Twin Cities.

I had an infrared temperature gun. It's hard to find a really good one so I've had to make modifications and work with the manufacturer. But this one was a key to my research.

I had a an anemometer, of course, duh.

I had my trusty agrometer, the analog one, that has always reliably measured humidity for me.

I had a stormglass, which really was pretty useless, and I had a lightning detector, which I spent way too much money on, and it really wasn't going to be of much use to me here, but I love it too much to ever leave it behind.

I also brought a souped up, hypersensitive smoke detector.

And then I plunged down off the river road and started taking readings.

No changes anywhere.

I found a patch of orange trees.

Nothing.

I didn't give up. I tried more areas of turning trees and turning ground flora. I waited until night. I went out at dawn.

Nothing.

I realized I needed to capture the moment of change. I climbed out of the river valley and up.  I went up some more.

I surveyed.

And there! A patch of green trees in a light fog was just starting to go. I raced back to the edge of the bluff. I took my bearings. It was deep in a thicket tangled on the riverside. I headed down into it, laden with my equipment, and I stumbled into a copse of trees almost turning orange before my eyes. With my head down I started pulling out my equipment and adjusting my dials and readers. Then I looked up.

Pixies were everywhere, laughing.

Flu shot

I got a flu shot a few days ago. So naturally I am feeling smug. I am immune entirely this year to the flu. People coughing and sneezing and touching things all around me are no problem. I am impervious to illness. I am free to be completely reckless with my health.

As you may have noticed I am quite the believer in the flu shot. I don't like the part where they stick spears of metal into my flesh. And I'm not wild about my arm hurting for two days. But that's all done now. The hard part is over and now it is the reaping benefits time.

Just how deliciously inoculated am I? I don't know, but it's probably a lot. I'll check the Internet.

Ha. According to the Internet this year's flu shot is 34% effective.

So, I'm not exactly brilliant with math, but I'm pretty sure that means...


I'M NOT GETTING THE FLU!


I mean, statistically speaking.

And for the record I'm pretty sure this sore throat is nothing.

Aepyornis

In my endless pursuit of understanding I have come to see how it might be hard, in some ways, to be my work manager. I just must seem so... relaxed. And there are so many points in any day where I don't merely appear to not be working, but I look like I'm enjoying myself as well. And even when technically I must be working it can be hard to ever see it happening with the naked eye.

I think I would have a hard time with this as a manager which is why I have endeavored never to become a manager. One makes their bed...

I am a manual transmission worker. And even then it might be best if I had merely the four gears, or five. That would be so much simpler for any manager to handle. My manual transmission has 119 gears, with three clutches. You think I don't understand the trials of others in relation to this? Of course I do! It is absurdly complex! Even I don't understand the half of it.

Which is why I have been writing this user manual. Four years, 1,500 entries, and we're only beginning to make headway on the introduction. I'm a universe.

Just like you, or anyone else. Don't you forget it.

Customer Satisfaction Survey Results

The accounting firm of Barney, Barney, and Stein has tabulated all of the surveys people have filled out and I am here to read and report the results!


I am so nervous!



1. Almost all of you like or love (8%) the new clerkmanifesto points for prizes system! Although a scant, but defiant 62% of you were uninterested in it, and 29% of you took the opportunity of that question to go on a bathroom break.

2. One percent of you said "Potato Taquitos" was your favorite blog post. Only 97% of respondents said they couldn't remember any blog posts further back than "Customer Satisfaction Survey".

3. In a heartening vote of confidence 100% (everyone!) said that they either love, like, tolerate, endure, occasionally read, or are generally confused by clerkmanifesto. 

4. Almost 38% of readers first heard of clerkmanifesto when I mentioned it in this sentence! Roughly 31 percent already knew all about it and felt smug. About 30 percent still haven't heard of clerkmanifesto although it's starting to sound more and more familiar.

5. A full 42% of you blamed being in a bad mood on having to fill out another customer satisfaction survey, but 83% said they would fill out more surveys in a desperate hope that one day they will be asked a relevant question that allows them to express their feelings.

6. A majority of respondents said they would recommend clerkmanifesto to anyone who asked them directly if they would recommend clerkmanifesto, keeping in mind that no one would hold them to anything and they could not be sued or held criminally liable. 

7. Just over 98% (!) of you felt confident that Barney, Barney, and Stein was the best survey firm they ever dealt with. 

8. A whopping 9% of you are feeling sad that there are only eight result summaries, even though they're only just realizing it now.

Customer satisfaction survey addendum

Thank you so much for filling out our recent Customer Satisfaction Survey. We hope you enjoy the one hundred clerkmanifesto points we have issued to you that you can use in the clerkmanifesto store which will be going live at any moment now. Meanwhile, as the survey tabulators work to bring us our comprehensive results, a few issues have cropped up in the wording of the survey itself.

It turns out that several of the survey answers were themselves questions. We here at clerkmanifesto can hardly expect you to answer our questions if we won't answer yours! And so below we have listed the survey questions with answers that are themselves questions. Then we have provided answers to those questions that were answers to our questions. Does that make sense?

Really?

I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am.

And so:



Question:

1. How do you feel about this new "points for items in the clerkmanifesto store" thing?

(X)  I already got a late 2013 blog post for 50 points! How can I earn more points?


My answer:

Thank you for your interest in the new clerkmanifesto points reward system! Did you know you can redeem points for prizes in our clerkmanifesto store? Please hold the line and a service representative will be with you shortly, or press or say "one" to sign up for regular blog delivery in your email. I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please stay on the line and a service representative will be with you shortly. Your wait time should be...

Less than 45 minutes.




Question (again):

1. How do you feel about this new "points for items in the clerkmanifesto store" thing?

(X)  I don't understand how I'm supposed to fill out this customer satisfaction survey? It doesn't let me enter anything. Am I supposed to print it out and mail it to you or something?


My answer:

I am not clear. Are you unable to input into the questionnaire or are you unsure on the process of inputting?

( ) Unable to input
( ) Unsure on process




Question:


2. What kind of posts would you like to see more of here on clerkmanifesto?


(X)  Excuse me. I am looking for the Google website? Do I go right or left from here?


My answer:

Oh, no, you're here. This is it. Different than you expected, isn't it? 




Question: 


5. What's your favorite clerkmanifesto post of all time?

(X)  Oh, you know, that funny one? About that thing at the library. You remember. Oh my stomach hurt from rofling! So funny! What was it about again?


My answer:

Thank you. Yes. I totally know the one you are talking about. It is pretty funny, isn't it. We are now linking to it in the clerkmanifesto store for only 125 clerkmanifesto points!




Question:


6. Why have you stopped reading clerkmanifesto?

(X) Um. I'm right here. Hello?


My answer:

Oh, hi. I didn't see you there, I had to turn the lights down for the survey to show up properly. So nice to see you!




Question (again):


 6. Why have you stopped reading clerkmanifesto?


 

 (X) I was briefly "Off-planet", if you know what I mean? But I'm touched you noticed I was gone and devoted an entire question to me!


My answer:

No, I don't know what you mean, but I do want to.




Question (again again):


6. Why have you stopped reading clerkmanifesto?


(X)  Um, because the day's post is over?


My answer:

Yes, that's right.  






 
  

Customer Satisfaction Survey

As you know, every two or three days I like to pay consultants thousands of dollars to gauge how my readers are feeling about clerkmanifesto. We at clerkmanifesto are strongly reader driven. I listen carefully to what these surveys have to say only to find I am constitutionally unable to do any of the things the surveys recommend. But I never stop trying, and no sooner do I fail than I commission another survey. Is this too many surveys? We have commissioned a survey to find out!

But in the meantime we would deeply appreciate it if you would fill out the following customer satisfaction survey. And to show that we don't expect you to labor in our baking hot survey fields for nothing, we will be giving each of you who fills out this survey 100 clerkmanifesto points, redeemable immediately in the clerkmanifesto store for, well, old blog posts that no one can find because the Internet mostly just hides things. Maybe we can get some T-shirts or something in the store eventually (you know, like "The cream rises to the top and dead things float"), but they'll probably cost a ton of points.

Customer Satisfaction Survey

(Please punch all the way through on your answers or your choice may be voided even if your intent was obvious)



1. How do you feel about this new "points for items in the clerkmanifesto store" thing?

( )  You can't fool me, I know you're kidding! Kidder!

( )  I already got a late 2013 blog post for 50 points! How can I earn more points?

( )  I don't understand how I'm supposed to fill out this customer satisfaction survey. It doesn't let me enter anything. Am I supposed to print it out and mail it to you or something?

2. What kind of posts would you like to see more of here on clerkmanifesto?

( )  Anything where I can get more points!

( ) Anything is fine. All of your blog posts are equally nice.

( )  Excuse me. I am looking for the Google website? Do I go right or left from here?

3. What stops you from demanding that everyone you know read clerkmanifesto?

( )  I mean, I like clerkmanifesto. Really I do. I just don't think other people, anywhere, would, you know, get it.

( )  Hey! Some credit here! I recommend it all the time! Or, I mean, I did, until it got all pressury and self promotey! 

( )  I'm planning on doing this soon but want to build stronger relationships with everyone I know first so I have more leverage.

4. What improvements would you like to see in the clerkmanifesto customer satisfaction surveys?

( ) I would like to see more options of multiple choice answers during the clerkmanifesto customer satisfaction survey questions.

5. What's your favorite clerkmanifesto post of all time?

( )  Oh, you know, that funny one? About that thing at the library. You remember. Oh my stomach hurt from rofling! So funny! What was it about again?

( )  I'm here by accident and I don't understand anything that's going on. I'm so confused right now.

( )  I really feel that clerkmanifesto is a work in progress. Though I have read all 1,400 of your posts I haven't exactly liked any yet. I read it based more on its potential.

6. Why have you stopped reading clerkmanifesto?

( ) Um. I'm right here. Hello?

( ) I was briefly "Off-planet", if you know what I mean? But I'm touched you noticed I was gone and devoted an entire question to me!

( )  I don't know, when you don't talk about Grape much my attention starts to wander.

( )  I hate to have to say it, but I guess it's because it sometimes feels like you're starting to repeat yourself here.

( )  I hate to have to say it, but I guess it's because it sometimes feels like you're starting to repeat yourself here.

( ) I don't know. I really like it, usually, but then there's a joke like the "repeating" one, above, and I feel like I just need a little break. So tired. So very tired.

( )  Um, because the day's post is over?

Gelateria awards

After 35 flavors of blog posts about Roman Gelaterias, starting way back before my trip with a discussion of my dazzlement over the sheer plenitude of raved over gelato places in Rome, running through my cracking the code of Internet gelateria reviews (even the worst gelaterias get pretty good reviews because, well, it's Rome, and it's still gelato!). I wrote imaginary posts before my trip about gelato that posted up on the Internet while I actually was eating gelato in Rome (a device that caused much confusion among my readers). I came back from Rome, heartbroken to have left, and found that all I could really write at first about Rome was gelato. I wrote about my methodology for studying the gelato of Rome. I gave an overview for the gelato of Rome. And I talked about the limitations of any comprehensive Roman gelato study. 

I hinted at my favorite gelaterias, my ecstatic experiences in Roman gelato eating, and my favorite flavors of gelato. Then I promised I would finally get down to it. I would finally talk directly about the gelaterias of Rome, naming names and talking about their flavors.

And then for a few days I couldn't do it.

Was I trying to build up suspense?

No. I really don't think anyone out there cares that much.

Was there something more vital for me to discuss?

I am sure you could answer that for yourself by perusing my brief posts from the past few days concerning local county initiatives.

Was it too much of an ending? Was completing my study of Roman gelaterias a kind of closing a book on this trip and putting it sadly into history?

YES!

And I'm not happy about it. But there's nothing else to be done.

Unless maybe I can split this into two blog posts. Yes, yes, I'll split it into two blog posts!

But I won't keep you in suspense about it, and I won't split it by putting in a bunch of filler, except in the normal sense of how here on clerkmanifesto, the filler is the point.

So later I'll do my best at a complete rundown of the gelaterias I explored, but today I'll hand out my awards. If you are going to Rome for a day or two or three, my awards should be all you need to get you to the best gelato in Rome.


Best Gelateria in Rome

Come Il Latte (Silvio Spaventa, 24)

Come Il Latte is not in the very center of things so one has to make a little trip to get there, though it is at least still a walkable trip from the center of the city. They specialize in an absolute creaminess and their smooth Pistachio was a surprise and revelation to me. But there is a purity to their gelato that inched them (ever so barely) above everyone else, ever, anywhere. Oddly this best manifested in the whipped cream I got on top of my cup. I've never tasted anything like it. It sang. It was better than delicious. Did you know there was a "better than delicious"? It's a very interesting discovery to make.

One month, dozens of gelatos, and if I had to pick the best, and it turns out I do, this was it.


Best Gelato flavor in Rome

Lavender at La Strega Nocciola (V. D. Vite, 100)

It may just be me but I really took to the flower flavored gelatos in Rome. But regardless of strange flavors, normal flavors, complicated flavors, mixing flavors, or simple flavors, this, the lavender at La Strega Nocciola, was the single most enjoyable and delicious gelato I had in Rome. If taking a bit of a walk out of the very center of Rome is not going to work for you, this agreeably located gelateria, near but not too near to the Spanish Steps, will be  nearly as good a one to try as Come Il Latte. Its relatively quiet street (for the area) means there's usually not too bad a line either. Grab one of their bookmarks too, they have the best gelateria logo in the world.






Neighborhood Awards:


Pantheon area

San Crispino (Piazza Della Maddelena 3)

Many years ago when we first went to Rome we ate gelato every chance we had at the San Crispino near the Trevi Fountain. At the time it was easily the most popular and revered gelateria in Rome. At some point this second branch opened. And at some point as well San Crispino's slightly snooty perfection alienated people at the same time as other comparably perfect places opened up in the center city. Their star fell. Now just one small lovely Piazza up from the Pantheon there is a virtually always uncrowded San Crispino that is as fantastically good and perfect as ever, outclassing all but a few Roman gelaterias, but now to a more modest acclaim. 


Trastevere area

Gelateria Del Viale (Piazza Giuseppe Gioachino Belli, 9)

My wife and I have long had a chip on our shoulders about Trastevere and on this 30 day trip we did not spend much time there until the end. Then I realized a crucial key to Trastevere: I love Trastevere, but during the day and not at all at night. It's like it's a werewolf or something. Go figure. And I'm glad we did figure because Gelateria Del Viale, just over the Ponte Garibaldi in Trastevere, is within all but meaningless inches of being as good as any of the above gelaterias. Which is to say that if you go here and to none of the others you'll be fine. I got a lot of flavors that weren't really made to go together, but it didn't matter. They were pure and smooth. The rose flavor sticks in my mind and won't leave. I would like to try it again and think about it for a long long while.


Spanish Steps 

La Strega Nocciola (V. D. Vite, 100)

See above award for best flavor. Easy choice. 



Bonus interruptive comments:

These were the four great gelaterias of Rome for me, the ones on the same, highest level: Come Il Latte, La Strega Nocciola, San Crispino, and Gelateria Del Viale. I am sure I missed some that were on this level, and there are also a few that I would have liked to give another chance to, feeling I might not have made the best flavor choices or gotten them at their best or remembered them quite so well. So I will continue with the neighborhood awards with the understanding that these following places are great, but on a level just a little below the highest tier above, at least pending more investigation:


Navona

Gelateria Del Teatro (Via dei Coronari, 65-66)

Super popular, watch out for those lines at peak time. They had beautifully made gelato and interesting flavors (half a dozen chocolates!). They were clearly great, but my truffle ice cream was full of stuff and not a clear enough experience and taste for me. I needed another stop here (that I didn't manage get) in order to know for sure what I really thought of them.


Popolo

Gelateria Dei Gracchi (Via di Ripetta, 261)

It turns out I like my gelato distilled, pure and temple like. I want flavor but without all that texture. Dei Gracchi has the flavor, and you know its full of real fruit for instance, but you will crunch down on that pear texture when you are eating a pear gelato. But then I'm not so absolutely sure what I like because this stuff was really good, texture and all.


Campo de Fiore

Carapina (V. D. Chiavari, 37)

This choice surely best demonstrates the failure of my notes (or, more truly, the failure of my lack of notes). I know I liked Carapina a lot. It was early in the trip, I loved it but had no context for how good Carapina was in relation to other places. I have warm feelings towards them. I am happy to recommend them as the best of that area, but as to what I had there, or what it was like, well, nope, nothing. I haven't a clue.




Strangest Gelato flavor in Rome

Parmesan at Origini Gelato (V. D. Gesu 73)

I was really interested in odd gelato flavors, including savory flavors. I read about a famed gelato maker named Claudio Torce who specializes in this field. Unfortunately I did not get to the proper Claudio Torce shop, rather just to one that sold a collection of his more mundane flavors (I think that's what it was- see below). So I'm saying there are surely odder flavors out there, but this was the best of it as my encounters went, a pretty tasty, very textured organic gelato made with Parmesan cheese. It was, okay. Origini, across from the art store back behind Sopra Minerva (wander in for the Michelangelo that's just----fucking----sitting-----there!!!!) makes a very nice gelato and I appreciate their getting funky when they didn't have to.


Worst Gelato in Rome

Il Gelato Di Claudio Torce (Piazza del Risorgimento, 51)

No doubt there are hundreds of places worse than this. I was only seeking out the best in Rome. I really wanted to try Claudio Torce whose name gets bandied about a lot in Roman Gelato discussions. Unfortunately his shops have a ragged history about town. I think the main one, the real one, is near the Circo Massimo, and though I should've fairly gone there, I didn't make it. That one is probably fresh and full of his famed unique and savory flavors. But I found reference to this one near the Vatican and it turned out to be easy to track down one day and try as an alternative. It seemed more like a mildly unpleasant shop that was carrying his gelato, perhaps delivered in once or twice a week. The flavors were traditional. The gelato dense and too hard and full of icy bits. It was my worst gelato in Rome. 

So, was it really bad? No, it wasn't that bad. It's gelato.

The song for now

Okay, I am hoping this can be my last post on this bitter and dark election for now. But I have had this one final thought. Or it's not a thought. It's more like a conspiracy theory. Or, no, a vision. Wait, no, neither of those. It is a theme song.

The easy theme song to the election of Donald Trump is REM's It's the End of the World As We Know It, which is fun, but not entirely illuminating.

No, instead there is a song that was wildly successful in its time, but was also famous for its unintelligible lyrics and indecipherable meaning. But the night we were electing Donald Trump to the Presidency it leaped into my head. Like many great works of art it had a prescience, and in some ways it was biding its time for a quarter of a century until an event came that it could describe. I give you the lyrics. Take a look for yourself:






Load up on guns
Bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's overboard, self assured
Oh no I know, a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low [x3]
Hello, hello, hello

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an Albino
A mosquito, my libido, yeah

Hey, yay

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift, I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

Hello, hello, hello, how low [x3]
Hello, hello, hello

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an Albino
A mosquito, my libido, yeah

Hey, yay

And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, how low [x3]
Hello, hello, hello

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an Albino
A mosquito, my libido

A denial, A denial, A denial, A denial, A denial
A denial, A denial, A denial, A denial




This is Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit and if the lyrics still seem unclear let me illustrate with my interpretations:

That first stanza starts with rabid second amendment obsessions (load up on guns). Then it concerns Hilary Clinton and the puerile, rude attacks on her (the dirty word, not to mention her being "overboard and self assured").

Then the reference to our political system bottoming out in ugliness ("Hello. How low" a refrain throughout the song). 

"I'm worst at what I do best." Is of course a reference to Trumps reviled self-satisfied racism and lying self satisfaction that fascinates a public enough to elect him President of America. This is followed by the seemingly sensible patriotism of "Our little group has always been, And always will until the end" that actually omits all content and meaning except identity.

A paean to how we feel safer in ignorance ("With the lights out, it's less dangerous", echoed again at the ending refrain with "A denial, A denial") comes next, followed by the abiding issue of the election, a desire to be entertained and stimulated at all costs ("Here we are now, entertain us"). Self loathing follows ("I feel stupid and contagious" [fuck it, let's vote Trump!]. There is a surrealistic nod to the name calling and ugly definitions and dismissals of people ("A mulatto, an albino (a reference in the middle of it to Trump?), a mosquito") all lumped together with the raw driving force of Trump ("My libido").

The last non refrain stanza is the hardest to comprehend, but I think Cobain is saying, in the guise again of a Trump voter (the one loaded up on guns) "I don't even know why I'm doing this but it makes me smile and I just don't give a shit about anything at all! ( "And I forget just why I taste. Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.").

I think this is what it was all about, but I might be dreaming everything. I might be dreaming everything in the world right now.  Here we are now, entertain us.