Friday, February 7, 2020

How to fix a stapler

I have worked at a library for a quarter of a century. And for the whole of that time I have been the supplies person. So I have ordered a lot of staplers. Nevertheless I prefer to fix staplers rather than buy them. It's more respectful of the taxpayers and of the environment. And because I have fixed so many staplers over the years I have become extremely knowledgeable about the process. One might even say that I have mastered the art.

Fortunately the stapler is a simple device, strictly designed to do one basic thing: staple. Also fortunately, in the course of my vast stapler repair work, I have devised one extremely easy, fool-proofed method that will resolve any stapler problem, whether it be from parts failure or from the more common "Jam".

Just follow this one painless method and even the most stapler and mechanically illiterate among you will have your staplers humming along like never before.

I have broken this simple method down into 22 basic, easy to understand steps.

1. Firmly grasp the manifold flange in your right hand.

2. Decouple the sprocket cylinder.

3. Turn on your Kinsey 3000 home forge system and dial to "7".

4. Prepare three measure-weight r-2's for proper induction.

5. Remove all staples, using pliers if necessary. Discard.

6. Put the staple hinge to your good ear and listen for a hum.

7. No hum? Go to step 11.

8. Brush the flange hinge in acetone or mineral oil.

9. Burn a large smudge stick of white sage.

10. Wave the stapler around in the smoke.

11. Induct the measure-weight r-2's until ideally pliable.

12. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down and read Descartes masterwork Meditations of First Philosophy. If in a hurry to staple, skim.

13. Make sure you have a few paperclips for just in case.

14. Attempt to mold the measure-weights into a standard "flange" fringe.

15. Hit the table in frustration and cry out "Tu me prends la tete!"

16. Solder stapler parts "seven" and "nine" lightly together at join knobs, something you would not have to do if stapler designers weren't idiots!

17. Put on your HazMat suit.

18. Split all the atoms in the gear sprocket spring, loosening the jibbit as you go.

19. Wait for the stapler base to cool as it will be as hot as the Sun for a short while. This is not a colorful turn of speech. Maybe go ahead and loosen your HazMat while waiting.

20. Dip your stapler in liquid hydrogen for a few seconds to "set" the new metals.

21. Add new staples to your stapler.

22. Staple stuff!

Congratulations! You just saved yourself $6.99 on the cost of a new stapler! 

Please note this guide only works on the Bostitch Office B210R. 

For the Swingline Optima please see my post: How to fix any stapler. For the Paper Pro Compact Classic see my post: Stapler fixing in just a few simple steps. And for the Kokuyo Harinacs models see my series of monographs on modern Japanese staplers and their repair, published by Cambridge University Press but now out of print. Don't ask me why they're out of print, but one can usually find a few copies of them on Abe Books for astronomical prices. Good luck.

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