The case of the missing tape dispenser

 

For a long time we had a black cat tape dispenser at the front desk of my library. Library patrons would use this for their taping needs. It was sort of cute. Also it was a bit difficult to use because it didn't balance very well. But "not being very good" is something of a virtue when it comes to equipment at the front desk of the library. Really good things have a tendency to disappear, but things that look like this:

stick around for awhile. This stapler's jaunty paint job has worn off from the constant use over time, which only makes it more likely that no one will walk off with it.

Unfortunately, despite its wonky functionality, our cat tape dispenser, like so many things around here, finally disappeared.

I can't take a picture of the cat tape dispenser, because we no longer have it, but curiously enough there is now a "missing" sign that one of my colleagues mysteriously printed multiple copies of. 

It looks like this:

Which begs the question:

Where did they get a picture of the cat tape dispenser for this flyer?

Bread and butter

 

I have recently resolved to occasionally share old clerkmanifesto posts from the past with you once again. This is not a punishment for your not sufficiently having studied my posts. No, mon ami, it is a reward for your years of service, reminding you of happy times in your past.

These posts from yesteryear are specifically not a best of, but rather a marker of time, always harkening back to a specific anniversary, exactly on the same date but in a different year. When a blog grows as massive as clerkmanifesto has, getting a fresh look at a randomly chosen post, places us more deeply in ourselves. And so in this spirit, I chose randomly to go back just to 2022. And there I found what I would describe as a bread and butter post. Library centered, this post is neither odd nor far afield. One might say it is kind of the spine upon which clerkmanifesto is built. Not flashy, not adventurous, not hilarious, nor daring, it is just a mildly amusing account of library life.

Whet your appetite, have I?

Well, you're already here, so you're used to this kind of thing.

Before we start I would like to note, and this will only make sense to you later, that this post slightly surprised and amused me in its accuracy, for we have but one tape measure at my library, and I think of us as having always had just one.

Measuring Tape

The branch manager of my library asked me if I could order him a 25 foot measuring tape. As I am in charge of supply ordering for our library branch, I said "Yes."

I looked on Amazon.

For less than eight dollars Amazon carried a 25 foot measuring tape that received an average of 4.8 stars.

That is an incredible deal! 

I would like to get measuring tapes for everyone! I would like to get a measuring tape for you, and you, and you, and you!

If only I could!

An aside:

I am in no way being remunerated by any measuring tape company or lobby.

All of this simply comes from my heart, or possibly from my sense of how much I think a tape measure should cost. Maybe more the second of these? Shouldn't it cost more like 12 dollars for a good quality 25 foot tape measure? I mean, is this a wildly good deal or do I have an inflated view of the value of tape measures?

So I ordered two tape measures for us at the library. This is one more than is strictly necessary. But I have found that for any tool at a library, a stapler, or scissors, or even a tape measure, one must have a minimum of two. There will always be one of them that is missing, and one that never is.

My quixotic mission to let each piece of paper remain separate

 

I am getting a lot of requests tonight at the front desk of the library for a stapler. 

"Can I use your stapler?" People ask.

"Yes." I answer graciously. "But not the staples."

Long, confused pause.

"How about a paperclip?" They ask.

Drat. 

Foiled.

Measuring tape

 

The branch manager of my library asked me if I could order him a 25 foot measuring tape. As I am in charge of supply ordering for our library branch, I said "Yes."

I looked on Amazon.

For less than eight dollars Amazon carried a 25 foot measuring tape that received an average of 4.8 stars.

That is an incredible deal! 

I would like to get measuring tapes for everyone! I would like to get a measuring tape for you, and you, and you, and you!

If only I could!

An aside:

I am in no way being remunerated by any measuring tape company or lobby.

All of this simply comes from my heart, or possibly from my sense of how much I think a tape measure should cost. Maybe more the second of these? Shouldn't it cost more like 12 dollars for a good quality 25 foot tape measure? I mean, is this a wildly good deal or do I have an inflated view of the value of tape measures?

So I ordered two tape measures for us at the library. This is one more than is strictly necessary. But I have found that for any tool at a library, a stapler, or scissors, or even a tape measure, one must have a minimum of two. There will always be one of them that is missing, and one that never is.

Making scents

 

I will readily agree that some of the library patrons here at the library I work at are miscreants. It goes with the territory. People are unwieldy.

 I am compelled by hard evidence to note that a few of my library co-workers are miscreants. It's disconcerting, but those tapeless cobs in the dispensers aren't left by no one.

But I steadfastly refuse to believe anyone reading clerkmanifesto is a miscreant. 

Which is why I feel comfortable telling you this story even if you might be a co-worker of mine.

It's about air fresheners in the employee bathrooms.

"Oh my god!" You cry. "I have been waiting my whole life for you to write about air fresheners in the employee bathrooms." 

I know, and thank you for your many messages.

They were very polite.

And persistent.

We have two employee bathrooms here at my library. There is no venting in these bathrooms, no fans. There are no windows. In my role as procurer of library supplies I slightly flexed into the separate world of janitorial supplies to get some air fresheners. After a few experiments I settled on a device that automatically sprays a scent every 10 or 15 minutes.

It's better than nothing.

I'm especially fond of the rare "Pine" scent I recently tracked down. I prefer it to the "Musty Poo" scent that occurs naturally. "Citrus" is not as good, but it works better than "Cave full of old pee". "Citrus" doesn't smell exactly like citrus, but it smells nothing like a cave full of old pee.

Once, for some reason I can't remember, I bought some cheap four level shelves for these bathrooms. The dispensers of scent were on the top shelf of these, and when I first put them in I found them regularly twisted apart. I thought maybe someone was not understanding them, and they were trying to make them work. So I put a very classy sign in front of them:

"Please do not fold, spindle, or touch this dispenser, and it will spray every 10 or 15 minutes."

This seemed to solve the problem for awhile.

But then I noticed every time I went into the left bathroom the dispenser was twisted apart. Weird. If someone had a problem with these they could bring it to my attention. But they didn't. They declared war.

Many times a day I would twist the dispenser back together. Many times a day the dispenser would be twisted apart. I wasn't winning. It wasn't fun. It was a stalemate.

Then I got an idea.

I put a used up dispenser on the prominent top shelf and left it twisted apart. Then, discretely, I put a functioning dispenser down on an obscure spot on the bottom shelf where one could hardly see it.

It's working.

Ha.

The ball's in your court miscreant!

What everything looks like

It is said that when all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.

I'd like to take that one step farther. 

When one wants to treat everything like a nail, one surrounds oneself with a lot of hammers.

I'd like to take that one step farther as well.

One can tell a lot about a person by the kinds of tools they surround themselves with. For instance my supply drawer at the library is full of pliers. I think I have seven or eight different pliers in there.

I like to pry things apart.

I suppose it could mean I like to hold things tightly together as well.

Of course sometimes none of that really works out, in which case I'm fine just whacking it all into shape.

Anyone got a hammer?





 

How to fix a stapler

I have worked at a library for a quarter of a century. And for the whole of that time I have been the supplies person. So I have ordered a lot of staplers. Nevertheless I prefer to fix staplers rather than buy them. It's more respectful of the taxpayers and of the environment. And because I have fixed so many staplers over the years I have become extremely knowledgeable about the process. One might even say that I have mastered the art.

Fortunately the stapler is a simple device, strictly designed to do one basic thing: staple. Also fortunately, in the course of my vast stapler repair work, I have devised one extremely easy, fool-proofed method that will resolve any stapler problem, whether it be from parts failure or from the more common "Jam".

Just follow this one painless method and even the most stapler and mechanically illiterate among you will have your staplers humming along like never before.

I have broken this simple method down into 22 basic, easy to understand steps.



1. Firmly grasp the manifold flange in your right hand.

2. Decouple the sprocket cylinder.

3. Turn on your Kinsey 3000 home forge system and dial to "7".

4. Prepare three measure-weight r-2's for proper induction.

5. Remove all staples, using pliers if necessary. Discard.

6. Put the staple hinge to your good ear and listen for a hum.

7. No hum? Go to step 11.

8. Brush the flange hinge in acetone or mineral oil.

9. Burn a large smudge stick of white sage.

10. Wave the stapler around in the smoke.

11. Induct the measure-weight r-2's until ideally pliable.

12. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down and read Descartes masterwork Meditations of First Philosophy. If in a hurry to staple, skim.

13. Make sure you have a few paperclips for just in case.

14. Attempt to mold the measure-weights into a standard "flange" fringe.

15. Hit the table in frustration and cry out "Tu me prends la tete!"

16. Solder stapler parts "seven" and "nine" lightly together at join knobs, something you would not have to do if stapler designers weren't idiots!

17. Put on your HazMat suit.

18. Split all the atoms in the gear sprocket spring, loosening the jibbit as you go.

19. Wait for the stapler base to cool as it will be as hot as the Sun for a short while. This is not a colorful turn of speech. Maybe go ahead and loosen your HazMat while waiting.

20. Dip your stapler in liquid hydrogen for a few seconds to "set" the new metals.

21. Add new staples to your stapler.

22. Staple stuff!




Congratulations! You just saved yourself $6.99 on the cost of a new stapler! 

Please note this guide only works on the Bostitch Office B210R. 

For the Swingline Optima please see my post: How to fix any stapler. For the Paper Pro Compact Classic see my post: Stapler fixing in just a few simple steps. And for the Kokuyo Harinacs models see my series of monographs on modern Japanese staplers and their repair, published by Cambridge University Press but now out of print. Don't ask me why they're out of print, but one can usually find a few copies of them on Abe Books for astronomical prices. Good luck.

Presents

Dear Staff,


As the supply person for the library I have endeavored to find a solution to our smelly backroom bathrooms. Finally, after a series of uneven attempts, I landed upon automatic scented sprayers, leaning in to the lavender and vanilla side of the odor spectrum. Then I got some cheap shelving so that these dispensers would be perfectly placed to spray to their hearts content. There was an adjustment period where staff members were sprayed in the face and where every time I checked on our automated sprayers it looked like people had strangled and shaken them to get them to work. Some tasteful, explanatory signs seemed to alleviate these problems quickly though.

And so the automated sprayers quietly settled in to our library bathroom experience.

Then one day I went in to the bathroom and found that someone had put cute cartoon eyes onto the top of our sprayers, giving them a surprised look. This was pretty charming I guess.

Much later the sprayers got little gold bow ties. I asked around who was doing this but no one knew, or would admit it.

More clothing showed up.

Shoes. Polka dots. Bangles. Disco lights were added in. Fog effects. The sprayers were dressed in velvet jackets. They got back stories and glamorous pedestals. Little librarian diorama scenes were added. Speech bubbles showed up, and later there were sound effects. Seasonal additions were included. Fangs appeared at Halloween. Pumpkins. A pet turkey for each sprayer appeared at Thanksgiving. And now as I write each sprayer character has a Christmas Tree, miniature of course, but with real twinkling lights and tiny wrapped gifts under the wee branches.

So I just want to say to whoever it is that's messing with this anti deodorant sprayers, whether there be one of you or a whole group:

Thank god for you. You are a gift to our community.




 With regards,


-The Supplies Department

Mystery of the pens

Life is full of mysteries, great and small. But none are so vast, so unfathomable, so inscrutable as the mystery of the pens.

Well, actually a few are, but we're going to be discussing the one about the pens either way, so what say we just move it right along?

Every once in awhile I'll get a bunch of fake flowers at the library I work at. There were some very real looking and feeling lilies I once bought. I think they were latex. And a few years ago someone mysteriously abandoned a large grocery bag full of nice red fabric roses. I've been working my way slowly through those and recently just finished using the last eight of them over the weekend.

What do I do with these fake flowers?

I tape them to pens.

As anyone working with the public can tell you, pens disappear. That one fact is fine and obvious; people unconsciously wander away with the pen they use. But from there things start to get weird.

For instance, you might know that people also abandon pens, though not as often. So as our pens bleed out they are partly replaced by stray pens, and crayons, dried markers, and pencil bits. These pens and markmaking detritus are always a little bit worse than our original pens and they don't keep up with our losses. So there is an attritional rate to our pens becoming both steadily worse and fewer. However, bizarrely, certain pens, regardless of quality, never go anywhere. So we might have one or, if we're lucky, two pens that are quite nice that stay at the desk for months while hundreds of nearly identical pens come and go, and all the while all kinds of terrible stray pen and crayon junk fills in the space around them.

As the supply person for my library sometimes all of this is too much for me to take. So to try to change the dynamic I sit down and securely tape flowers to a series of the nice pens we use at the desk. These "nice" pens are gel writing pens, Sharpie fine point clickables, and Sharpie ultra fine point clickables. Each pen costs us a little over a dollar each, what with discounts and purchasing by the box. The flowers are ostentatious and make the pens a little less pleasant to use, but, theoretically, they make walking away with one of them really weird and hard to do as well.

So like I said, I flower up all these pens. Then I take them out to the front desk. I confiscate every single other pen that's out there. Then I stock each station at the front desk. There are two stations, and sort of one auxiliary station. Each station gets:

One Sharpie Clickable Fine Point, with a rose attached
One Sharpie Clickable Ultra Fine Point (Both of these mainly for card signing according to preference), with a rose attached
One Gel Pen (Blue or Black), with a rose attached
Two of our standard issue ballpoint pens, no rose (less than a dime each and so expendable)
One new pencil, sharpened, with fresh eraser, no rose

This is all a bit of a production, but I always feel very satisfied when I've done it. It seems orderly, protective of our supplies, and well balanced.

Then I go away and do whatever it is I do.

After a couple hours, for whatever reason, I invariably return to the desk.

The head of one rose has been ripped violently off its stem, like by a cow who ate it not knowing it was synthetic or that roses aren't really very nutritious. Two of the pens with roses are missing and nowhere to be found. Nearly all of the standard issue ballpoint pens are gone. Two pretty good but not new pencils, with about half erasers, have been added in to our collection. One weird new pen that doesn't work has also been added in. We also have a yellow crayon. And almost everything we do have has been collected at one station making it awash in writing implements. The other stations are close to bare.

This is where I despair. This is where I cry "What's the point?!" This is where I tell the agonizing story of what happened to every co-worker I can find. To a person they shrug and say "Eh. What can you do?" And then they change the subject.

I remember then why I only rarely put flowers on pens. 

Then I have a nervous breakdown and miss several days of work in a row.

I take good care of myself. I get back to seeing the long view of things. I breathe. I have calming warm beverages. And I return quietly to work.

I go to the front desk.

Pretty much all the pens with flowers are where they're supposed to be, all nine, except the one with the rose chewed off still doesn't have a rose. Most of our standard issue pens and pencils are in place as well and looking only slightly worse for wear. Outside of one bonus pencil there is nothing extra at the desk, and the pens are all well distributed across the three stations.  

And that is the mystery of the pens.

Library supplies

Dear Library Staff:


As you know I am the supply procurer for our library. If you don't know this I am frankly alarmed at how little you pay attention to the important details of your workplace. It is not too late for you to be a better employee! And to start with you could memorize the following fact:

I am the supply procurer for our library. That is, I order our supplies.

Now that that's out of the way allow me to provide some useful information about not only what I can and will do, but also about what you can do to make the process run a lot better!

Ordering supplies for a large, busy library such as our own is not an easy task. I am dealing with upwards of 40 different people, many of whom need things, although, honestly, four or five of them seem to need very particular things a little too often and most of everyone else just gets upset when exactly what they want isn't readily available without asking. There are often specific rules for what I can order and who I can order it from. Sometimes I have to get dedicated lines of funding or permission for particular purchases. Sometimes I have to justify purchases. And a lot of the time I am mysteriously allowed to order all kinds of weird crap, no questions asked.

Another thing you should know is that I don't and can't actually order directly from anywhere! I have no money. I have no access to a credit card or a line of credit. I can't go to the local Target and just get something we desperately need. I have to order everything through another orderer and then rely on that person ordering what I ordered. I liken this to hand stitching an elaborate and complicated quilt while wearing heavy rubber gloves. Did you know that you can still easily stab yourself through heavy rubber gloves? You can! That's what makes the system so difficult and absurd. Why, you might ask, don't I stitch the quilt while wearing more protective thick leather gloves? I would, but that's not the analogy.

Which, if you're half the co-worker I think you are, will lead you to ask: What can I do to help you as the supply orderer for our library?

Thank you for asking!

Two simple things:

1. If we are out of something, like pens, or paper, or kleenex, or newspaper ties, or green dots, or scissors, paper, or staples, or library guides, cards, or sharpie fine point clickables, or dry erase markers, 2-inch tape, or whatever, please stop asking me about it! Don't you think I've ordered it by now? I have! I don't need everyone to be all like "Are there any more blue slips?" twenty times a day. No, there aren't any. I ordered them ages ago. I can't control when they come in. I'm not hiding them! Stop asking me! Just leave me alone. I'm doing the best I can!

and

2.  If we are out of something let me know. As a large and extremely busy library we have hundreds, yes hundreds of different items of supplies. I can't just magically know when we're out of one of them! I need staff to let me know when they need something and when we're out of something. And who knows, I might even have some spares shoved in a back up box somewhere. You'll never know if you don't ask, and I might never know either.


Thank you so much for your attention to this matter. I know it's a lot to take in, especially if you've been walking around our library, working in a fog, and every single aspect of this letter is completely new to you. Although if that's the case, you've probably already forgotten or misunderstood everything I've said in this message already.

To everyone else though, thank you again, and I hope I have ordered what you need, and if I haven't, I hope it's not my fault,



F. Calypso

Library Supplies

Library statistics on fine collection and necessary budgets

As the concept of going fine free sweeps through the world of twin cities libraries like an angry wind, many key issues come flying through the back halls and shabby conference rooms of my library. A key one was addressed in a question posed by a library board member.

"Why," She asked the library director "Can't we get rid of library fines?"

"Because we need the money." The library director answered.

Fair enough. But then the board member had an inspiration. Or maybe she was planning it all along. "How much" She asked "Staff time would we save if staff no longer had to spend time collecting fines?"

This is the question that came down the line to us, the circulation workers, down here. No, no, way down here! Yes, us, working in the ol' boiler rooms of the library system, stoking the ol' engines. Hi.

We all had quite a chat about this. Ten minutes an hour was thrown out as a figure, which on reflection seemed seriously inflated. Five? For one person or two? I weighed in at this point with an impassioned "What we do here at the front desk of the library cannot be quantified by mere numbers!" This didn't add a lot to the conversation.

We didn't settle on anything exactly. Except that we need a chess clock! See, you're at the front desk of the library and someone gives you their card. You hit the chess clock GO button, then say "You have 30 cents in fines on your card." They say "I'll get it later." Then you slam the STOP button. Then you repeat as applicable.

This is the only way to get an accurate picture of how much time we spend on fines currently.

Plus, as the supply procurer for the library, it would be fun to order a chess clock. I've really grown to enjoy ordering all kinds of junk for the library.

Which, unfortunately, takes a lot of money.

Murphy's law of pliers

I'm at work at the library, and there's this, well, rubber band, sort of, that's off track on our automated check in machine. I need a pliers to grab and fix it. So I go to the tool drawer to get the pliers. But for some reason the pliers have all turned into crescent wrenches. Our tool drawer now has dozens of crescent wrenches, of all kinds and sizes, sleeping peacefully within it.

So I go to the manager's office where he hordes useful things. I find a tool chest. Inside is a full set of wrenches and then a couple crescent wrenches for just in case. I try the kid's room. They don't even have a wrench. They've got nothing but caterpillars in there. These won't work for the purpose I have in mind.

I'm so frustrated that I grab a pair of scissors. Then I walk around with the scissors until it occurs to me that trying to fix this rubber band thing on moving machinery with a pair of scissors will end badly, probably with a lot of blood coming out of my hands. I put the scissors down where they were lost among the wrenches. They might have even turned into one.

Man, I wish I had a bolt to tighten or loosen around here.

Although, come to think of it, I think the last time I did I couldn't find a wrench anywhere.

I just used pliers.

How I request replacement printer paper rolls

I had to order some replacement printer paper rolls from our Automation Services Department. Unfortunately doing this took not just much of the work time I had set aside for it, but it also spilled into, and completely overwhelmed my dinner hour.

I was going to write a blog post during that dinner hour!

Seeking to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear I have decided to share my requisition request with you here. My job is more complicated than you would think...




Description of problem:

Through a careful analysis by our supply coordinator it was determined that we were getting low on both the white and the yellow printer paper rolls. This suggested a trend (see chart below) in which we, at some point, would have no paper rolls. Without these rolls we would be structurally unable to provide our library patrons with a printed notice of the dates upon which their material would be due. Seeing a prospective breakdown in Library Operations a committee was swiftly formed.

I won't bore you with the complete details of what the committee of 11 members discussed over the course of six hours spread across three sessions, but a variety of solutions were put forward and carefully examined. These included but were not limited to:

1. Switching from printed slips of any kind to a fully Internet ready, email notification system.

2. The elimination of due dates and/or of any requirements for system returns of library materials.

3. Replacement and restocking of said printer paper rolls in an attempt to forestall running out.

In discussion among the committee no consensus was reached and so a vote was taken. Five members voted for option three, three for option two, and two for option one, with one committee member in the bathroom during the vote. And so the choice for option three was carried: We would replace and restock paper printer rolls.

As the vice secretary designate for the committee it is my role to put forth the official request that you deliver to us:

1 box of white paper printer rolls
1 box of yellow paper printer rolls

Thank you for your attention to this matter. 






Chart: