The shocking failure of the Texas electrical grid and the massive blackouts sweeping Texas during an epic cold spell have brought to all of our attention the terrible problems of deregulation, the ruinous disfunction of Republican politics, and the calamitous results of the inability of American media to speak squarely to the problems haunting the vast sweep of America.
But I'm here to step into the fray!
I am here, on the amazing, all powerful Internet, to offer healing to the desperate peoples of Texas.
So come in close.
Huddle into my light, dear Texans. I am in Minnesota. I understand the cold. I can help you. Gather round. Hear the crackle of my fire. Feel the warmth of my weird, unearthly Northern Lights. Take a sip of this meltingly delicious orange cognac.
So dear citizen of America Texas. Though much divides us, we are one. We are a people. We must bridge the divide between us with love. Now is the time to set aside partisan squalor, past grievances, and ancient enmity. Ice has frozen your world. The power grid has failed you. You are freezing to death.
I have help.
I can save your lives and the lives of your precious pets, children, and perishable items. Read on, and all will be well.
Oh, right, there's a blackout there, you can't.