It is a well known but rarely mentioned secret that libraries are, well, er, international. International. You know, International. You're going to make me say it, aren't you? Fine! Libraries are Socialist! They are not Capitalist. They are European free love commune loving hippie institutions that Friedrich Engels and Noam Chomsky would go nuts for, and probably do, every day! Libraries are a bare inch from evil. Aye, worse even than that, they are Un-American!
But do not give in to despair. I am here to try and save the library. I am here to tell you how to make libraries more American!
1. Eliminate all items that do not fit into either the Fiction section or the Non Fiction section to reflect our great two-party system. Extra categories of things like CDs and Reference materials and Children's books smack of European (Socialist) Parliamentary systems.
2. Hang up lots of signs that say "This library welcomes firearms."
3. Flags and more flags! I'm talkin' about the old red white and blue! You don't see much of old glory around your usual library because libraries are nests of Communists and Secular Humanists. Well, we're going to pack our libraries with American flags, the colors that make Commies run!
4. More Bibles. Lots and lots of Bibles, and Librarians properly trained to answer the question "What should I read next?" with "Have you tried the Bible?"
5. Entrance fees. If libraries are worthwhile, then they're worth paying for, like hamburgers, high speed Internet, and political representation.
6. More signs. These should read "Abortion Free Zone" and "No Abortions Permitted in Library". These signs should be placed between American flags. Librarians should not be shy about stopping people from having abortions in the library!
7. Weed all the Greek Literature post-haste.