Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Dear Google

Dear Google,

I would like to draw your attention to a few errors involving your search engine.

1. When one types in the search "Library clerk blog" no actual library clerk blogs show up in the results. Mostly what shows up are expired job postings, with a smattering of outdated salary listings. I'll admit a couple of blogs last updated in the 1980's rear their ugly heads, but they don't appear to be written by library clerks. I will admit that of the 473,683,220,252,254,810,005 Google searches last year there were a total of no searches for "Library clerk blog", but it could happen at any time, and you are asleep at the wheel!

2. My blog has had billions of views! These views are almost entirely generated by bizarre Russian spam engines whose purpose eludes me. I am not eager to see these disturbing statistics from Russian spam sites, but since you (Google) insist that they are noteworthy, and tell me about them constantly, I feel strongly that they should effect my page rankings, and I should appear at the top of any search with any of the following words: "Vampire",  "The",  "Blog",  "Stat", "I don't understand", or "Russia". It's a simple matter of consistency in your system.

3. Though I consider it a flaw, I understand that I don't often use the phrase "Library clerk blog" on my blog, and so, accordingly, I don't leap to the top of searches with that phrase. However, I have now used each of the following phrases several thousand times: "Best blog on the Internet", "Greatest blogger", "The only reason to turn on your computer", "Shaman of the Internet" and "The", and so I expect, naturally, to have these reflected in my page rankings.

4. When I conduct a search that goes beyond the simple things that lead me to giant corporate blog sites or massively popular pages of other kinds it is rarely easy for me to find what I am looking for. Instead I find semi legitimate sites that are very good at gaming your system. I am terrible at gaming your system, but I did come up with an idea. If you would direct all ambiguous searches to me, at clerkmanifesto.com, I, for my part, would try to cover every aspect of human knowledge and experience. This may sound extreme, but you, with probably some of the most clever technical people in the world, are clearly not getting anywhere doing it your way.

5. Look, I know that you are tempted to dismiss me as a crank. But I honestly don't expect for my blog to appear in the top five searches for everything all the time. I am merely pointing out that your automated search systems are missing some important things. I know not everyone on the Internet is searching for clerkmanifesto.com! That would be silly! But if some random person types into your search engine "Animals", "Turkey", "Bob Dylan", "The Internet", "Blogging", "Van Gogh", "Library", "Work", "Coffee", "Vacation", "Halloween", "Disney", "Marcus", "Cats", "Love", "Minnesota", "Patrons", "Co-workers", "Jasper Fforde", "Poetry", "Books", "Satire", "Reading", "Rome", "River", "Moose", "Marketing", or "Writing",  well, then, the chances are that they are probably looking for me. At least, I'm pretty sure there's a good chance they're looking for me. I'm just trying to help you help them find me.

I am sure we only want what's best for each other.

Thank you for your time,



  1. I typed 2 comments but they both disappeared.

    1. Ok, I was asking if you wrote something about The Eyre Affair and I made a comment about "borrowing" it from a nursing home where i once worked but I later stopped working there due to the unfortunately tragic consequences of dislocating my knee in their elevator and how they took exception to having to pay for the surgery to repair it which they subsequently did but dismissed me shortly before my 15th anniversary. It was all very clever, but since this is my 4th attempt at writing it I have lost all enthusiasm for the topic. Jasper Fforde is a much better writer than that nursing home was at nursing people.

    2. Don't know about those disappearing comments, but find them suspicious and curious coming on a post about google errors!

      Yes, Jasper Fforde has come up several thousand times in my blog. I can add "fforde" to the tags at the bottom of the post (I think) and then, if you want you can click on it to get to my historical posts related to Jasper Fforde (I think again).

      I'm glad you are repaired and sorry you worked for an evil nursing home. I'm glad you have a souvenir from there though.


If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.