Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A rejection letter for me

Dear Editor:

Enclosed below is a brief rejection form letter for your convenience. Simply check off the appropriate boxes and send it in the enclosed envelope. Your feedback is essential for us in formulating a positive rejection experience for you and your magazine.

Dear Mr. Calypso:

I have

___ read
___ skimmed
___ glanced at in an irritated way
___ endured

your submission. I regret to inform you that your work is unsuitable for publication because

___ it has absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter we publish.
___ you did not actually submit any work for us to look at.
___ we fear everything beautiful.
___ no one here can tell if you're kidding or not.
___ we have much bigger plans for you, partner.

For your information I found your writing to be

___ simultaneously banal and profound,
___ brilliant but completely unsuitable for publication in any media anywhere ever,
___ amusing but in the incorrect font,
___ sadly lacking in celebrities and diet tips,
___ a pastiche of mid career James Joyce and the comic strip Garfield,

and I hope that you will

___ consider us again in the future.
___ accept this 2011 Pontiac Vibe as a token of our appreciation.
___ stop wasting our time with this nonsense when our magazine is dying.
___ give Princess Mononoke another chance as it really is one of the great masterworks of Japanese animation.
___ continue with your "writing" as you seem to find it very clever.

I wish you

___ much
___ gobs of
___ rich
___ all

success in your future endeavors.


___ kind regards,
___ cold goodbyes,
___ vaguely harassed salutations,
___ more affection than I might have thought,
___ an offer of lifelong friendship,

I am _______________________________________


___ my own more cruel rejection letter.
___ a 2011 Pontiac Vibe.
___ our submission guidelines.
___ a signed, first edition of Ulysses and an early original Garfield strip said to be about me, as tokens of my encouragement.
___ nothing. It's not enough that I filled out your ridiculous rejection form letter?

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