Saturday, September 26, 2015

The New York Times Magazine backpage interview









This is The New York Times Magazine backpage, or "talk" interview with legendary two-time Nobel Prize Winner Feldenstein Calypso. Mr. Calypso is read internationally mostly by spambots.

NYTM:  Thank you so much for doing this interview. This will be quite a feather in my cap. I'm pretty sure that because of this I'll get a really good promotion here at New York Times Magazine.

 FC:  It's my pleasure.

 NYTM:  You describe yourself as a two-time Nobel Prize Winner, but I can find no evidence that you have won a single Nobel Prize.

 FC:  They're very recent. The Swedes are notoriously slow about updating their website. Plus my name was probably misspelled as it's complicated in Swedish.

 NYTM:  In reading your work I have found you have a lot of ideas for improving things. Do you think you would make a good President?

 FC:  No. I think I would be ineffective in appealing to people, and that I would be terrible at convincing anyone of anything. Both of those skills would be essential for a good President.

 NYTM:  I'm surprised because...

 FC:  No, what I'd be extremely good at is being a god, or even the God. I should definitely be a god.

 NYTM:  (Laughing) I was going to say I was surprised because you seem so enormously self-regarding. Ha ha.

 FC:  Oh.

 NYTM:  You haven't really won a Nobel Prize of any kind, have you?

 FC:  I thought you said this was going to be a fun interview.

NYTM:  How embarrassing for me and the entire staff of the New York Times Magazine.

 FC:  I've won loads of Nobel Prizes. I just don't go on about them all the time.

 NYTM:  So, um, what's your favorite cheese?

 FC:  ...

 NYTM:  Oh, don't be like that.

FC: I'm not! You are!

NYTM:  Look, how many readers do you have?

 FC:  Twenty, but they're really good ones.

 NYTM:  Okay, so this interview is by the insanely popular and successful New York Times Magazine. It will be read by over a billion people! Don't you want to say something to a billion people?

 FC:  Yeah. I guess.

 NYTM:  Okay then. Go ahead, this is your moment.

 FC:  Blue d'auvergne.
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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 26, 2015 at 9:41 PM

    It's been a gazillion years since I read the NYT Mag. and so I'm not sure if they still have dat Ethicist column. As your pope I appeal to you to wrastle control of that column for yourself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feldenstein CalypsoSeptember 27, 2015 at 7:19 AM

      yeah, I think the ethicist is still in there. Perhaps I can write them hundreds of letters under fake names suggesting I'd be good at it, maybe some threats? Hack their systems so it's assigned to me? Whatever it takes, because you're right, I'd be really good at that ethics stuff.

      Delete
    2. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2015 at 1:13 AM

      Always remember, if it's done in the holy name of Feldstein Calypso it's got 2 B good! :-)

      Delete

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