Saturday, September 26, 2015
The New York Times Magazine backpage interview
This is The New York Times Magazine backpage, or "talk" interview with legendary two-time Nobel Prize Winner Feldenstein Calypso. Mr. Calypso is read internationally mostly by spambots.
NYTM: Thank you so much for doing this interview. This will be quite a feather in my cap. I'm pretty sure that because of this I'll get a really good promotion here at New York Times Magazine.
FC: It's my pleasure.
NYTM: You describe yourself as a two-time Nobel Prize Winner, but I can find no evidence that you have won a single Nobel Prize.
FC: They're very recent. The Swedes are notoriously slow about updating their website. Plus my name was probably misspelled as it's complicated in Swedish.
NYTM: In reading your work I have found you have a lot of ideas for improving things. Do you think you would make a good President?
FC: No. I think I would be ineffective in appealing to people, and that I would be terrible at convincing anyone of anything. Both of those skills would be essential for a good President.
NYTM: I'm surprised because...
FC: No, what I'd be extremely good at is being a god, or even the God. I should definitely be a god.
NYTM: (Laughing) I was going to say I was surprised because you seem so enormously self-regarding. Ha ha.
NYTM: You haven't really won a Nobel Prize of any kind, have you?
FC: I thought you said this was going to be a fun interview.
NYTM: How embarrassing for me and the entire staff of the New York Times Magazine.
FC: I've won loads of Nobel Prizes. I just don't go on about them all the time.
NYTM: So, um, what's your favorite cheese?
NYTM: Oh, don't be like that.
FC: I'm not! You are!
NYTM: Look, how many readers do you have?
FC: Twenty, but they're really good ones.
NYTM: Okay, so this interview is by the insanely popular and successful New York Times Magazine. It will be read by over a billion people! Don't you want to say something to a billion people?
FC: Yeah. I guess.
NYTM: Okay then. Go ahead, this is your moment.
FC: Blue d'auvergne.