Tuesday, June 13, 2017

My part in global warming

You might think that as the Billionaire Chief Executive of clerkmanifesto I would be above the small maneuverings of politics. What is global warming to me? I who can afford all the air conditioning units I can want. Nevertheless, President Trump's withdrawal from the Paris Climate Agreement caught my attention. While Mr. Trump's tax policy seems terribly levelheaded to a job generator like myself (the people I shout at all day to get me stuff don't do it for free!), I felt a twinge of concern for the planet. After all, I own so much of it!

So even though it appears the ship has sailed on the Paris Climate Agreement, I thought "Hey, that doesn't mean I can't do my part!" So I had my people draw me up a list of earth friendly lifestyle changes for me to choose from. Most of them I had to cross off as being too inconvenient. A couple were so demanding that they offended me and I had to fire the writers of them for impertinence, but a short, brave list of possible actions survived my winnowing, and I have already begun instituting them.

But I can't do it alone. It takes all of us to combat climate change, or so I've heard. This made me think "I am not so different than you all out there on the Internet". What if we all did these small acts of conservation together, our own little Paris Agreement. Yes, as easy as I have tried to make these lifestyle changes, you may find a few of them to be personally challenging. But I feel if we bear down and stick with it together we can save the world!

And so here are my five small actions that I believe if we all do together we can truly make a difference in saving the planet! Or at least, so my staff people seem to suggest:

1. Fly first class.

Yes, I know, horrible to give up a private plane. But some airports are starting to have some very exclusive and adequate VIP member lounges and boarding access. My tip is, when traveling alone, arrange to buy two first class seats next to each other so you have some room to spread out.

2. You don't have to heat all your swimming pools. 

You're never at the Tuscany House in the Autumn. Why have them keep the pool ready like you might drop in at any moment?

3. Grow your own food.

I'm not entirely sure what this does, and I think it might have something to do with my Estate Manager at the Napa Villa wanting to hire his daughter, an unemployed master gardener. But my Chef likes the idea of extensive kitchen gardens, and I like the Chef. So... benefit of the doubt.

4. Don't let the live-in staff control their own thermostats.

You're maybe onto this one already as a cost saver, but go ahead and crank that thermostat all the way until you hear complaints of discomfort. At that point you say "Don't you want to be able to leave a habitable planet to our children?"

5. Have your dogs put down.

Especially if you're not particularly close to them. The cats can stay, they make no notable difference as long as you feed them fish and mice.

Let's do it. For the planet!

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