Sunday, September 23, 2018
Great milestones of the Internet
It is one of the more tiresome conventions of the Internet; popularity triumphalism.
There you are out on the Internet. There are 167 million pages of entertainment and information but you can't find a single one to entertain you for more than seven seconds. But then you remember some pithy youtuber, or maybe a dashingly witty library blogger you haven't checked out in a while. So you head over hoping for new content and...
all your wishes and dreams are fulfilled!
There is new content! In glee you rub your hands together and start the little video or click on the title or whatever you have to do and...
your heart is broken instead.
"Hey guys and gals, today is a big day at miniscule blog dot com. Today I got my tenth (or millionth, or whatever) subscriber. So I just wanted to thank you all for your support. So I shaved my head (or I got a tattoo of the number 10, or I'm celebrating with this thank you video)."
This isn't what you came for!
And it would be churlish of you to resent this person who thanklessly provides you with entertainment, wisdom, and insight. Aren't they entitled to take a little victory lap after laboring in obscurity, for no money, producing work of a consistently brilliant caliber for a tiny trickle of diffident fans while the rest of the Internet spends their time obsessively pouring over, well, what the hell are they pouring over? For these tireless, ill-rewarded artists, visionaries and scholars, that number is all they've got! Of course they huddle around its tiny fire, desperate for its paltry trickle of warmth. Of course if they find that twiggy little fire is suddenly a bit larger, or now burns without them having to ceaselessly puff on it to keep it going, they might want to cry out in excitement. These creators might be plying their trade for their own personal satisfaction but..
They are not plying their trade for their own personal satisfaction!
It's not a trade anyway. It's not a vocation. It doesn't pay. They are merely trying to make the world and the Internet better. And we're not helping any by going to the same eleven mega corporate websites over and over until the world is ashes and our mouths taste like dirt! We are monsters!
So be tolerant.
I cannot tell you how sick I am of screaming that in a constant rage everywhere I go and then having to shout down people's irrelevant responses. But when delightful twitter account number three million and six proudly heralds her hundredth view, just, just...
That said, I have some big news today!
One hundred billion people, yes, one hundred billion people, have now come to the Internet, seen my blog off in the distance, turned around, and gone home.