Monday, December 24, 2018
Christmas eve news
I spent the morning reading the news so you don't have to.
Well, you have to read my summary of it here, but it's pre-digested for you, so you can absorb it into your brain using less time and less acids.
That might not be the best analogy.
That also might be the best analogy!
And so here are our top Christmas Eve stories:
1. There has been a sudden, massive die-off of plankton in the oceans. Plankton provide 70% of the oxygen we breathe.
Plus side: I knew it! I knew it! It felt like there was way less oxygen to go around!
Minus side: We're all going to die.
2. The President of the USA was blackmailed into withdrawing troops from Syria by the dictators of Russia and Turkey.
Plus side: Clear evidence of The President betraying America could cause his core support to drop from 38% to 37.99%. The end of this disaster is near.
Minus side: Clear evidence of The President betraying America could cause his core support to rise from 38% to 39%.
3. Santa is coming tonight!
Plus side: Elves! Flying reindeer! Magic in the air!
Minus side: -----REDACTED FOR MY SMALL CHILDREN READERS----