Thursday, April 2, 2020

Dear County Commissioner

Dear County Commissioner:

God bless you!

God bless you for daring to defy our namby pamby Governor's lily-livered Stay at Home order!  As my good friend Earl said "When did Minnesota become so yellow-bellied?" He's a big fan of the library, which I think you're in charge of over there in the County, but I guess they made you close those places anyway cause they're a bunch of chickens. At least you gave it a fight. "Blah blah blah we have to slow the virus and save lives." They said. You know what my good friend Earl said? He said "People die every day! PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY!" Actually he said it six or seven times cause he was pretty worked up. He really likes going to the library, though what he's doing on the Internet all that time there I got no idea.

But he's right you know. Something like a million people die every day driving their cars, but it's not like we close the roads until we can switch to some stupid mass transit system! Real Americans wouldn't stand for it! A couple years ago my Aunt Bettie had maybe a bit too much of that sweet wine she liked and then took out herself and a family of four at that dodgy intersection out by the train tracks while driving home. It was a bloodbath, but we didn't shut down the city for it. You can't stop death! You could maybe even say it's sacrilegious to try. And they're mostly all with Jesus now so it's kind of a happy ending anyway.

I know you have to pretend to try a little what with people being scared of dying, like with all that seat belt and helmet nonsense, and now with the social distance hoo-hah and "curbside" pickup out at the libraries, but I have admired how you have focused as much as possible on business as usual during this so called la-ti-da pandemic. I'm so thankful to you that I can even pick up my holds at the library despite the lame Stay at Home order. I'll stay at home when I'm dead! Me and Earl like to get together and drink beers and drive around to the libraries picking up holds and chatting with other people who pick up holds (don't worry, we're big guys and probably stay under the legal limit!). Thank god we have something to do. We'd go crazy if we had to stay shut in all day.

I guess all them lazy county workers are begging you to shut it down for being non essential! Ha, lazy suckers! I guess you showed them a thing or two! They should be thankful to have jobs! I work over at the Walmart part time, and I like to joke with the guests "Don't worry. I don't got no Coronavirus!" They think it's pretty funny, or maybe they can't hear me too well because they're mostly pretty old. But the key thing is they're bored by all this Coronavirus nonsense, and thank god the Walmart and the County and the library are giving them a place to go and be with people now that the Perkins won't let them in. 

You think those folks don't know they're gonna die pretty soon anyway? I mean, they're old. They know they're old! Half of them are pretty ready to go right now.

Yesterday Earl and me and a bunch of the guys from the VFW got together for a little beer picnic down at the Roseville Park. Thank god it's warming up outside, eh? Some young punk with his fru-fru dog yelled something at us about calling the police on us for gathering in a group of ten. For gathering! Earl, who was pretty toasted, sort of waddled over to him pretty quick, coughing a lot, and trying to shake his hand and thank him for the warning. It was pretty funny. You would have laughed. And maybe you had something to do with keeping that park open, so thanks for that too.

So anyway, thanks again for standing up to the Governor. I like how you used all that lawyer crap against him and when he tries to shut down the state for all but emergency and essential services, you all are like "Everything we do is an essential service, so suck it!" You got that right. Having a few beers with my buds is as essential as it comes! And Earl would just about die without his Matlock DVD's. He loves his Matlock.

I just wish the VFW had half the balls you do!


Big Steve

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