You are probably reading this in order to not die in ten minutes. Most people, according to our exhaustive studies, don't want to die any time soon, but the majority of the people we polled picked "in ten minutes" as the time they'd most like to not die in.
We are here to help!
This web page, called
"Read this to not die in ten minutes!"
is specifically designed to stop you from dying in ten minutes.
Well, it's closer to nine minutes now. So you might be thinking:
"Arrggggh! Hurry up! I don't want to die!"
Ha ha ha.
Don't worry, we've got this covered.
We are absolutely sure that we can keep you from dying in the next ten, I mean nine, er, actually eight, minutes. Time sure does fly. That's why you've got to make the most of each moment. I mean, anyone could just drop dead at any time and then what do you have?
Oh, do you want me to answer that?
Yes, yes, less than seven minutes at this point, but now I wouldn't feel right not answering this thing about what you would have if you dropped dead.
You would have one of these four things:
1. Regrets.
2. Unconsciousness.
3. Lots of happy happy times in heaven!
4. Absolutely nothing.
But I'd better move on as we're down to six minutes.
Don't worry. It's all under control.
We just need a little information to proceed. Because unfortunately the instructions on how not to die in the next ten minutes (now a bit over five minutes to be honest) , is only available to subscribers.
Simply sign up with the "Follow by Email" app on the right sidebar of this page to unlock the rest of this content.
If you're already signed up and subscribed here, or once you have completed your following by email, simply scroll down, and the rest of this informative, lifesaving essay, will automatically unlock.
Well done! And with two minutes to spare. We can still definitely get this taken care of! No one is dying in two minutes around here! I mean, not if they are reading this super important web page:
"Read this to not die in ten minutes!"
Everyone else practically everywhere is probably a minute from death though.
Oh, shoot, did I say a minute? Only a minute left! We better step on it!
But did you confirm your email?
Okay, good, good. Just checking. No need to panic. This will take but a second.
In order to not die in ten minutes all you...
Ooops. Time's up. You still with me?
You are?
Wow! Excellent.
I guess it worked then.
Tell your friends!
That was a close call!I needed to find my reading glasses and they weren't where I thought they'd be. I kept running around the house looking for them. I asked the cat where they were, but she didn't know, and she was too busy sunning herself by the living room window to consider helping me, so I called my wife and said, "I only have eight and a half minutes to live unless I find my glasses and start reading CM's blog!" She didn't think I was serious!!! She said, "Have you checked by the sofa?" and so I ran to the sofa and they weren't there! Lots of sweat by now, so I decided to run back to my computer and ENLARGE THE FONT of the blog, and I could see! I read deliberately, figuring that if I glazed over it I would miss something that might mean my imminent doom! But I made it! I'm alive!
ReplyDeleteHa!
DeleteIf you chart the amount of time between minute markers in the lifesaving (preserving?) post above against the actual time it takes to read between the markers you'll see that it is all buffered against glasses searching time and also allows for delaying moments where one thinks: "Boy, I sure am tired of reading this. I wonder if I should get a snack. What's in the cupboard? No, I guess I better makes sure I don't die first."
But then, you couldn't have known that, so I'm sorry I panicked you! And I'm glad you're alive! Tell your friends!