My green award

As you know I hate to toot my own horn around here. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be winning a big award. Like, a County award, or maybe a Library award, or even some kind of Green award. It's pretty exciting. I feel very humbled by all the awards I'll be getting for the amazing thing I've been doing.

So you want to know what's up?

I've been saving the library I work at a ton of money. A ton. They love it when you do stuff like this, which is why I'm almost certainly going to get an award, or a commendation, or something like that that involves a plaque. I'll admit I'm pretty excited about the plaque. I'm pretty sure someone just nominated me for one. I tried to keep my uniquely good work to myself, but at some point a person, me, in this particular instance, just has to say "You have got to hear about the amazing thing I've been doing!" And from there it sort of leaks out, no matter how much I want to simply enjoy the private satisfaction of it all.

The trick to my amazing innovation is attributable, of course, to synergy. I'm a big believer in synergy. I know it's a fancy word, but I'm pretty sure it just comes down to if I have to carry this here and this over there, why don't I take both of them with me at once. Synergy. I'm all over that synergy stuff.

So being the supply procurer for my library, and also being responsible for the bus schedules, has made me often wonder: how can I get these two jobs to work together for the benefit of my library? Synergy. I asked myself: What are the touchpoints of these two activities?

There are two: people send me stuff, and rubber bands.

As for the bus schedules, the transit system sends me as many as I want as often as I want at no cost to the library. With supplies, I get sent stuff, but it costs money. The bus schedules come in little stacks held together by rubber bands. Every year or so, from supplies, I need to order a bag of rubber bands. I think you can see where this is heading, but only because I laid it all out for you. From scratch it was much harder to figure out. This is why I will be getting the semi-prestigious award.

So yes, my library no longer ever has to purchase rubber bands. I simply order several boxes of bus schedules, discard the schedules, and pile the rubber bands together in their special place in the supply cabinet. The reason I might get a Green award is not simply from recycling the schedules, which we do as a matter of course, but more importantly because I have gone from a system where we used new, packaged rubber bands to one now where all of our rubber bands are entirely repurposed from previous uses, namely to hold together stacks of bus schedules. And so my library now uses entirely free, post consumer rubber bands.

I know! I wonder if my plaque is here yet. 

Quiet at library

Working, as I do, at a library, I answer a lot of questions, many of them accurately. Unfortunately there is one regular question that absolutely confounds me.

No matter how busy it is at the front desk of the library, no matter how many cards I am registering, items I am finding, co-workers I am covering for, machines I am fixing, tutorials I am giving, fines I am processing, disputes I am resolving, no matter how long the lines grow, no matter how ceaseless the flow of people, and no matter how thick the crowds get, there will come a point in any two hour shift at the front desk wherein a patron will saunter alone up to me at the front desk and say "Quiet day, eh?"

"Not with you here."  Comes to mind.

But I don't feel right saying that.

How about "Fortunately you have come. What can I do for you?" 

This would work if I could keep it free of sarcasm. 

I'm working on it.

Eagles in wind

Out onto the streets again for my morning walking commute. Saturday we saw record breaking local temperatures of up to 60 degrees, but by this morning they'd driven down hard. The twenties feel far colder after a spell of warm weather, and on top of that the wind is blowing so fiercely the weather service issued a warning. I'm not sure what the warning was, probably something about how likely one is to get something in one's eye. I have long lashes and am hoping that will be enough to protect me.

So, let's face it, I'm cold out there. The wind is blowing hard and my jaw has gone numb. But I have decided not to worry about myself. I suspect I'll be fine. It's the eagles. What about the eagles?


There are the bald eagles of Minneapolis, tossing wildly about over the river. The mighty wind ruffles their feathers. Without even a twitch of their broad wings they surge a hundred feet up into the sky. They tilt precariously left. They tilt precariously right. They plummet and then are thrown upstream at a hair raising clip. Is it fun? Is it cold? Is it terrifying, or is it a day in the park? How do the eagles feel about this weather?

This is one of the easiest things in the world to forget, it is easy enough to forget in considering any number of groups of people, but perhaps even more so, if it's possible, it is supremely easy to forget with animals. Indeed it is nearly automatic to do so. These are the dangers of science. 

So then...

How do the eagles feel about this weather?



It depends on the eagle.

Your reception at the Riverview Cafe

We were at the Open Mike Night at the Riverview Cafe again last night, and I finally figured out the key to the audience response. I think it took the first really bad performance to put everything in perspective for me. From there it fell into place. A young man took the stage and announced that he was going to perform some spoken word poetry, but first he would tell us a little about himself. Then he told us some not particularly interesting or illuminating things. Then he performed his spoken word poetry, which was in the nature of bad rapping without music.

The audience was completely silent and respectful. Well, except for my wife and I, who, cleverly, stood in the back with the drinks we just bought and talked amongst ourselves. But here's the thing: the Riverview audience is never silent and respectful. Even the best performers work through a cloud of chatter and noise.

And so here is your key, should you ever decide to perform at The Open Mike Night at the Riverview Cafe and want to know what people thought of you:

No matter what it will be noisy and people will talk during your performance. Don't let that get you down. But the more that people like you or are impressed by you the quieter it will get. However, if it gets fully quiet and respectfully attentive, it means everyone hates you.

My wife and I, sitting at the front table are exceptions and are harder to read. If either or both of us go to the bathroom we're probably not wild about you, and if we step to the back of the cafe together you're in real trouble.

Outside of that it's going to be difficult to tell, especially since we are, in all other cases, quiet and respectfully attentive. So if you wanted to know you'd have to ask us. And most likely we'd tell you.

Mellow like Messi

"Just" You ask "What kind of Library Clerk are you?"

"What's that?" I reply. "Have you read my blog clerkmanifesto? Roughly ten percent of my posts are all about what kind of library clerk am I. Twelve hundred posts, ten percent, so that's 120 essays on the sort of Library Clerk I am."

"Yes, I've read them." You say. "What fun! Tell me again please?"

"Okay."




The greatest soccer player who ever lived is Lionel Messi. The teen librarian Marcus, who among the one billion fervent soccer fans in the World is the only one I actually know, might say "How can you really say who is the greatest player of all time?"

To which I might reply "Like this: Messi is the greatest player of all time." But only because, well, sometimes I can get a little like that, which you might have noticed.

And here's how the great Messi plays soccer: 

Economically.

There he is, jogging easily up the side. There he is, studying the game, pacing himself, laying back, only doing just what is needed, a spectator, enjoying the Spanish sun, quietly stalking the game, resting up.

And then he is needed. He is called on. He is essential, and he rises up fluidly from a kind of snooze mode to perform absolute miracles and magic. Practice, training, time on the pitch, and two full games every week, but as for pure, heart stopping soccer, greatest of all time soccer, we get about 15 minutes of it every week.

That's just exactly how I clerk!

I hope that doesn't sound self-aggrandizing. If you think about it at all you will likely come to the shrewd conclusion that it isn't, really, self-aggrandizing at all. After all, clerking is not soccer.

"So," You wonder. "Is that how you write clerkmanifesto as well?"

Oh no. For that I run flat out until I collapse, panting and vomiting in the grass.

Wilco

On my comprehensive, extremely well thought out list of the hundred greatest albums of all time (which I haven't created yet) I would certainly include Sky Blue Sky by Wilco. It's sad and soulful and all those things I like best in music. And though if you roam about the critical landscape on Wilco you will not find Sky Blue Sky much revered, it should be noted that those are just opinions. I'm dealing with facts here.

But I'm not here to discuss the objective brilliance of Sky Blue Sky. Or maybe I am. We'll see...

On Thursday nights at The Riverview Cafe Open Mike Night the variety of performers do roughly 50 percent covers. But these tend to be very smart covers. If it were all just hit songs and best of pieces it wouldn't be The Riverview at all. There we get deep covers, old covers, even odd pop covers that you might think couldn't be covered. Americana is popular, like maybe an Oh My Darling Clementine. The other night there were three John Prine covers. But everything from Folsom Prison Blues to a First Aid Kit song might show up. Most weeks of the open mike we see one old guy perform, possibly a bit less ancient than he looks, whose slightly broken voice can surprisingly belt it out at times. He did what I long assumed were well crafted historic country classic covers, old standards from the heartland that I somehow missed over the years. Only this week did we find out he wrote all his own material. It can get like that at the Riverview, the covers sound like originals and the originals sound like covers.

One of our favorite performers, who looks a bit like Richard Dreyfuss as Richard Dreyfuss looks now, and who might cover anything from a Foreigner song to The Traveling Wilburys with enormous vigor, did a beautiful job on an older Wilco song called Passenger Side.

Hey, wake up, your eyes weren't open wide
For the last couple of miles you've been swerving from side to side
You're gonna make me spill my beer,
If you don't learn how to steer

Passenger side, passenger side,
I don't like riding on the passenger side

And this is just it about a good cover, they illuminate rather than reflect. Because these performers make such excellent choices I not only immensely enjoy the songs I hear, but they become new to me. I see them better. I can be especially slow to notice lyrics, but the way people do covers at the Riverview almost always wakes me up to them. And what a clever piece of character is there that Jeff Tweedy has written. Pathos, empathy, and sheer ridiculousness:

Roll another number for the road
You're the only sober person I know
Won't you let me make you a deal,
Just get behind the wheel

Passenger side, passenger side,
I don't like riding on the passenger side

Our Riverview cover was done in a high, reedy un-Jeff Tweedy sort of voice. Oddly enough it came right after our Richard Dreyfuss singer had done a close to dead-on Roy Orbison singing Traveling Wilbury's song, no small feat. It took me a couple of verses to even place the Passenger Side song and who it was by. But from the start I was well enough spellbound by how cleverly it was written.

Should've been the driver, could've been the one
I should've been your lover, but I hadn't seen...

Can you take me to the store, then the bank?
I've got five dollars we can put in the tank
I've got a court date coming this June
I'll be driving soon

Passenger side, passenger side,
I don't like riding on the passenger side


Such a great song. 

Just like you, the only thing I like better than wit and cleverness and pathos and foolery is when all of the sudden, it isn't. But that's Sky Blue Sky and comes a bit later in their career. 







 

Your bonus post

For three years or so I have written and posted a new essay every single day. And yet I have never before written a post on February 29. It's like a puzzle. How could that even be true? It's just the sort of thing Encyclopedia Brown could figure out, but I'd have to flip to the back of the book for the answer. Which I would then read, muttering "I knew that". And I did know, I was just too impatient to think it for myself. 

The important thing is that we bring Bugs Meany to justice.

So what then do we have for you today?

Please keep in mind that as this is February 29, this is all bonus material.

Today at the library we were staffed with, wall to wall, extremely pleasant people. This is by no means always true. Our natural front desk mix includes incompetents, churlish people, fake friendly people, time vampires, crabby people, the very tired, and one highly efficient wiseacre. We don't currently have a total asshole on staff, but it's not like we never have. But it just so happens that today we had a very grounded and friendly sub who knows what she's doing, and all of our collection of long time regular staff who are bubbly, or friendly, or kindly, but not too bubbly, friendly or kindly. And there they were, paired up together at the front desk, one after the other, smiling, gracious, competent, warm, and professional. Man we looked good.

There was a slight issue with the schedule and, partly by chance, one of the very pleasant people, myself, and two of my managers were gathered round to sort it out. I believe the solution to said scheduling problem involved putting another pleasant person out at the front desk. I saw my opportunity and spoke:

"I hate to be critical," I said to our scheduling manager "But if you keep putting all these pleasant people out at the front desk, the patrons are going to get soft."

More philosophy disguised as a joke

My slight tendency towards paranoia mysteriously causes everyone here to conspire against me. Fortunately they all do this without much conviction or effectiveness.

Snow on ground

In some previous winters of the clerkmanifesto we spent many of our happy blog posts conveying our pleasant surprise at our equanimity, aye, even our joy at winter. We could not, in those years, say enough about the wonder of finding ourselves so charmed by sub zero temperatures (Fahrenheit) and by our easy facility in coping and even thriving within them.

This isn't that sort of winter.

This winter we are mostly concentrating on complaining about the snow and ice on the sidewalks. But we're also willing to put in an occasional bad word for snow falling into our face.

Fortunately there was nothing to worry about on this score this morning. The weather has been unseasonably warm lately. When I woke up today it was already a balmy 34 degrees and the temperature was forecast to soar all the way up to 38 degrees!

So why, when I peered out the window onto the backyard, was it snowing? And not just snowing, but snowing with the snow sticking, laying in a wet and appreciable carpet across all the streets and sidewalks sprawled out beyond the doors of my home. Doesn't that defy some rule of thermodynamics, snow at 34 degrees? Had this water become infected with a mild dose of ice-9?

Grumbling, I headed off for my long walk. The half inch of snow was very slippery and icy and very awkward to walk in. My neighbor, a stand up guy, was shoveling our whole section of the block. This was very nice of him but secretly outraged me for the following reasons:

1. To begin with, it was too warm for there to be snow to shovel.
2. The snow would be melting very soon anyway.
3. Won't my neighbor, shoveling my walk, now be thinking "Well, if you were home all this time, why didn't you shovel?"
4. Seeing as, with his mighty snow blower, my kindly neighbor has already saved us from significant toil in almost every big snowstorm, we are already greatly in his debt. Now our debt will only be larger and more difficult to ever repay.
5. And, it bears reiterating, all of this when there was no point to his shoveling because it will all melt on it's own, very, very soon!

I walked on. I think it might have rained some, on me. Oddly this rain had no effect on the snow except to increase it's slipperiness. Damp and cheerless, I came to a dense pine tree, not much taller than me, that was full of the screeching and twittering of little animals. I peered into the tree and found it was alive with tiny birds, a hundred tiny birds in a little secret magical world at the heart of a pine tree. The birds were not shy of me. This cheered me up for a second. But I had to go to work. So I slipped with irritation further along the snowy sidewalks. These sidewalks were so annoyingly slippery and full of snow that I kept wondering "Why hasn't anyone shoveled this!?" Did I mention what a stand up guy my next door neighbor is?

But when I finally got to the end of my walk, late, because of the slow, treacherous walking, I looked around. 

Every last bit of snow and ice, everywhere, was suddenly completely melted and gone.

Wrap up

Yesterday clerkmanifesto's Customer Appreciation Week wrapped up with the thrilling gift to you of a second kitten. It was a mind boggling week full of gifts and excitement. We have already begun saving for next year's celebration. We had a great time, and we hope you did too. Say hi to your cats for us!

Because our gifts were so grandiose, complicated, and magnificent there were a few minor things that inevitably went wrong. We have received a few letters and gentle notes of concern. To show that clerkmanifesto is a completely open blog with nothing to hide, and to demonstrate our full goodwill, we have decided to address these concerns in a public manner. To the vast majority of you, for whom everything went brilliantly, we just want you to see that in the bizarre event anything should ever go wrong for you here with clerkmanifesto, we've got your back!




Dear Clerkmanifesto,

I was warned that my second gifted cat might have some blemishes, but was surprised to receive a kitten with no legs whatsoever. Please advise.

XXX XXXXXX



Dear Anonymous,

Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective assures me that if you look carefully you will find that your cat does indeed have legs! He is suffering from one of the syndromes we mentioned: Stubby Leg Syndrome. The condition is more pronounced during kittenhood, and as your cat gets a bit older he will be able to move around in an odd, crawling sort of way. It would be best if you had wood floors in your house, and, of course, this is not going to be an "outdoor" cat. Enjoy!




Dear Clerkmanifesto,

I enjoyed Customer Appreciation Week, but it appears that you skipped day six. You went from day five (the gelato gift), right onto day seven (refurbished kitten). Did I miss something?

XXXXX XXXXXXXXX


 Dear Anonymous,

We have heard this rumor before, and, as unlikely as it seems, we are looking into it. Our Automation Services Department suspects that the problem is on your machine and they suggest a full reboot of your computer or device.





Dear Clerkmanifesto,

My first kitten is doing just great, thank you. But kitten number two just seems to be pining away altogether and won't eat a thing. I can't see anything else wrong with this cat. Does it have the problem you labeled FFF (Feline Food Fetishest).

 XXX XX


Dear Anonymous,

I have contacted Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective and no, your kitten is not suffering from FFF. Your cat has something called "Vet Attachment". We know you requested a kitten that listed constantly to the left, Daisy Hill was out of those, and you were in a good geographic area for a cat with "Vet Attachment". Under separate cover we will send you the name, address, and phone number of the Vet you will need to visit daily. They are within 80 miles of your home address. Have fun. We're sure you'll like them and their rates are reasonable.




And that wraps up year one of Customer Appreciation Week. See you next year! And thanks again, we couldn't do all that we do here without you!

Customer Appreciation Week: Day Seven

Well here we are at day seven of clerkmanifesto's Customer Appreciation Week! What a trip it's been. We hope you have enjoyed it as much as we have, and we hope that our lavish daily gifts have left you feeling truly thanked and appreciated. We know that not every gift has been perfect, but we feel that the ones that worked out were really special, at least that's what we've heard so far from those of you that have contacted us. Not that any of you have contacted us. You certainly don't have to contact us. Just enjoy your gifts. No thanks necessary!

You are probably thinking that after six great gifts there must be something really nice coming to close it all out. You are probably wondering what the day seven gift is. Fair enough.

Because a small number of our gifts so far have had a few slight problems, because there may or may not have been some technical glitches with our first six gifts, we really wanted to make sure that we got gift number seven, our last gift, just right. So we decided to review our gifts so far and take a look at what has worked so far and what hasn't.

Let's take a look:


Day one: 

A year of free subscription to clerkmanifesto, which, through no fault of our own, turns out to already be free anyway.


Day two:

A kitten!


Day three: 

We forgot to include a gift except there's an outside chance you might have gotten a gerbil to go with your kitten.


Day four:

We forgot again to include a gift. Our apologies.


Day five:

Liquefied and spoiled Italian gelato sampler, soaked into hand delivered packaging.


Day six:

Oddly we can't find any data on our day six gift.



So, what pops out to you about this list of six gifts we've sent you? 

Exactly. It is obvious that our day two kitten gift was the absolute, far and away, winner among the gifts.  The kitten makes this whole week a success in its own right, regardless of how exciting some of the other gifts were from the week.

So how do we top a kitten?

We thought long and hard about how to top the gift of a kitten and decided, we can't. No one can best the gift of a kitten.

At that point we realized: go with the horse that got you here. Or the kitten.

Yes, we're sending you another kitten! 


We contacted our kitten provider, The Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective. They did a great job on getting you kitten number one, and we really like working with them. Unfortunately the massive outlay of kittens just five days ago (oddly they're saying it was four!), has left them completely out of "normal" kittens. Fortunately they have enough kitten seconds and "refurbished" kittens to make sure that everyone will nevertheless now get a second kitten.

The The Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective assures me that these refurbished and "seconds" kittens are still absolutely great kittens and will make wonderful companions for your first kitten (and for you and your family!). Also, because these kittens have minor blemishes, they might not be able to be adopted out normally. So basically you are not only getting a great gift, but you are probably saving a young cat's life.

Because some people are particular to the blemishes and small malfunctions of their kitten, The Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective has provided the following checklist of possible problems your kitten will have. Please put a "one" by the blemish you are most comfortable with your kitten having, and an "X" by the one you simply can't tolerate in a cat. The Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective, as a special favor to us at clerkmanifesto, is willing to guarantee you will not receive a kitten with your "X'd" choice. They will also do everything they possibly can to get you a kitten with the problem that is your top choice.



___  No ears and deaf

___  Lists constantly to the left

___ Leukemia

___ Old age 

___ FFF (Feline Food Fetishest)

___ Alopecia

___ HCD (Heightened Contemptuousness Disorder) 

___ Stubby leg syndrome

___ Chronic Cat Flatulence

___ Vet attachment (Must live in the Upper Midwest or own a private jet for this one)

___ Violent cat sweats/chills (We will provide you with two kitty sweaters)



If it's all the same to you simply don't do anything with this form, and your new kitten, with a surprise defect, will arrive in the late afternoon tomorrow!


Thank you so much. It has been a fantastic week, and we so hope your two new kittens will ever let you know just how much you are appreciated here at clerkmanifesto.

From all of us to you: Thank you!

Customer Appreciation Week: Day Five

Yes, Customer Appreciation Week has not gone off without a hitch. Our daily presents to you, to express our deep gratitude at your patronage of clerkmanifesto, have not always been perfectly executed. But there are still three whole days of Customer Appreciation Week. Let us not dwell on the past and get lost in it and in the one or two or three things that may or may not have gone wrong. We have a fantastic gift for you for Day Five, let's get right down to that.

I have mentioned here an impending month long trip to Rome and how it will surely affect the content of this blog in the year to come. As the trip is still far off, those Rome posts have been only slowly trickling in. But I can assure you that many more are coming. One of the posts we presented so far concerned Roman gelato. And indeed we are at this point in my Rome trip research deeply absorbed in the fascinating richness and variety of Rome gelato options. So we at clerkmanifesto thought, what if we sent out a massive sampler package of Roman gelato as a thank you gift to all our readers. This would leave you prepared to better understand our gelato posts in the future while giving you an exciting treat right now.

Don't worry, we have covered everything. Food restrictions, vegan, gluten free, lactose intolerant, SCD, sugar-free? I have tailored your selection of gelatos to exactly what you can eat. The gelaterias of Rome are that deep in their variety. And while, for instance, a gelato without milk, using only fruits and honeys may not technically be "gelato", let's not quibble. These Roman Artisanal producers know what they are doing. I know this because I have spent the last three days, virtually around the clock, working with dozens of these people and arranging for one of the most grand scale International delivery projects that you have likely ever been the beneficiary of. Your gelato samplings, tailored individually to you, are going to blow your mind.

Why, you ask, why are we doing this?

Because we appreciate you that much. Because we want you to know just how much clerkmanifesto values your patronage.

But how will this work, you want to know.

It's simple. Clerkmanifesto has a very special relationship with DSIB Couriers (yes, the people who delivered our day two gift, a kitten). They should be arriving today in the early evening with a carefully packaged, still fresh selection of seven to nine gelatos from two to four different Roman gelaterias. Simply sign the courier's receipt and enjoy one of the most extraordinary food treats you will have ever tasted. A treat, it should be noted, that in any other circumstances you would have to travel all the way to Rome to sample.

But, you wonder, won't the gelato have melted?

The gelato, the, um, the gelato? Melted? 

Oh crap!

Customer Appreciation Week: Day Four

It is hard to believe we have already passed the halfway point of The Clerkmanifesto Customer Appreciation Week. Today is day four. We so hope you are feeling appreciated, but if not, there are still, fortunately, three days to go. But I will venture to say that our generous daily gifts, the ones we have been sending out for each and every day of the Customer Appreciation Week, have probably been pretty exciting for you. 

I myself have been on the receiving end of Customer Appreciation Week celebrations, and I know just how disappointing they can be. They have turned out time and again to be mere marketing ploys. So I can only imagine and dream what it might feel like to have a product I regularly consume, like you do clerkmanifesto, suddenly start sending me a lavish, no strings attached present every day for a week!

So far, for gifts, we have sent out:

1. A kitten!
2. 

Um.


That doesn't seem right. There should be four items on the list. 

Hmm. 

Oh! I remember. Day one was that little mix up where we sent a year of free subscriptions to clerkmanifesto, except the subscription to clerkmanifesto was already free, so we couldn't count that one. Then, to make up for it we sent you your kitten on day two. Then on day three, we, oh, crap, we forgot a gift for day three!

Well, that doesn't mean we don't appreciate you, because we do! Just look into the eyes of that new little kitten of yours.

So yes, there have been a few glitches with our generous daily gift process, but I promise you that you are going to be blown away by our remaining gifts. They are amazing. And I also want to assure you that the oversight on day three, wherein we slipped up and simply forgot to send a gift of any kind, was an absolute freakish fluke. I assure you that there is no way that could happen again. We now have unshakable fail safes in place and you can relax knowing that fantastic gifts will be coming your way every single day of the full duration of The Clerkmanifesto Customer Appreciation Week.

This is our pledge to you!

Thank you so much for your patronage. We appreciate you more than you can even imagine!

Customer appreciation week irregularities

Welcome to day three of our very special Customer Appreciation Week here at clerkmanifesto!

Before we get down to today's business, and to our special "Day Three" gifts, I just want to assert once again how much you, as a consumer of clerkmanifesto, mean to us, the industrial producers of clerkmanifesto. This appreciation goes beyond the mere mercantile fact of the money we make here from your business. Unlike other large companies you have dealt with, our appreciation extends into a feeling of personal warmth. And because of this we have created a Customer Appreciation Week that ventures out far beyond the realm of the usual marketing. In our attempt to express how much you mean to us we have created a week of lavish gifts for you, ones that express our feelings of gratitude regardless of economic considerations. As you open our gifts to you here on our blog, you may be compelled to ask yourself "How can they afford this?"

We can't, and we don't care. We just want you to feel appreciated!

Nevertheless, on a dramatic undertaking such as this there are bound to be a few glitches. Our first order of business today is to take care of some of the, really, quite small problems, considering, that have popped up in the distribution of our gifts so far.

On day one of Customer Appreciation Week we, as you know, provided a lavish credit that turned out, due to no fault of our own, to not have any value. That is why on day two we went big, very big. We sent you a sumptuous gift that you would remember for years to come. We sent you a kitten!

I know! It was amazing. We hope you are enjoying your darling new kitten. Who wouldn't love getting a new kitten?!

Unfortunately we experienced some irregularities with our kitten distributing courier, DSIB, with our kitten provider, Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective, and with the nature of the gift itself. You were likely completely unaffected by any of these irregularities and are probably now deliriously happy, deeply bonding with your little cat that we named, just for you, "Clerkmanifesto".

But to resolve any possible problems we simply ask that you fill out the brief form below: 

Please circle one of the following. Our response to each issue is listed under each selection.

1. Everything is perfect. I love my new kitty.

I know that the vast majority of you will be circling this one, so we figured we'd better put it at the top. We here at clerkmanifesto are so pleased at your happiness and hope that you will enjoy many happy years with your new cat.

2. My cat came missing parts!

First of all let me say we are sorry. If you want we will certainly send you a new kitten with all its parts, no questions asked. But I would like to note that most cats can handle themselves perfectly well without an ear or a tail, and many people feel that three-legged cats can be especially charming. However, if, for some reason, you have something against the disabled, we will not argue with you. Simply dispose of your tiny, helpless kitten, and we will immediately send out a new one.

3. The complimentary cans of tuna that came with my cat tasted funny.

Those cans of food were supposed to be for your new kitten. That is why there were pictures of cats all over the cans. Because you may never have had a cat before please be advised that cats need food and water to thrive, just like people! Contact your local pet or grocery store for more details and instructions.

4. Help! My kitten has not arrived!

Unfortunately a very few of the DSIB couriers sent to deliver kittens instead fell in love with their wee little kitties and disappeared with them over state lines. DSIB is working on this problem and we will immediately send out a new kitten to you which should arrive by this evening. As an apology for the delay we will be including, at no extra charge, a little pet gerbil as well. If you only want one pet simply give the gerbil to the kitten.

5. I don't want a kitten!

We're sorry you were unhappy with your gift. Find a burlap sack and a pond, or maybe a local furrier, you monster!


Once again we apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced, and we hope with these small problems ironed out you can now enjoy your new clerkmanifesto thank you gift kitten for years to come.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts, for your patronage of clerkmanifesto!

Customer Appreciation Sunday!

We are in the second day now of our customer appreciation week at clerkmanifesto. I know that you are used to fake customer appreciation celebrations that are in reality craven marketing gambits. But I want to convince you of our sincerity. You aren't just a number to us, or a path to profit. Our appreciation, unlike so many of the messages of appreciation you've received from the other big time blogs and Internet companies, is truly genuine.

We appreciate you!

So it was especially unfortunate that yesterday, during our big "make a splash", extremely generous kick-off day gift presentation, we made a small error.

It turned out our gift was utterly valueless. We gave out a free year of subscription to clerkmanifesto, which, by the way, is a fantastic deal, only to soon thereafter discover that we don't actually charge for subscriptions. This brought down the monetary value of our gift considerably and caused some disappointment among the general public.

This lead us to rethinking our second customer appreciation day gift. It was going to be a thirty percent off coupon. We thought thirty percent was pretty big, but then we decided that we need to seriously up our game. So we increased our gift all the way to forty percent off, which is clearly an enormous discount. Fortunately a staff member here at clerkmanifesto, who had completed math classes clear through the tenth grade, pointed out that since we do not sell anything for money at clerkmanifesto, any discount on it, even if that discount was super large and generous, wouldn't save anyone any money.

We went back to square one.

Maybe, we thought, all this money stuff is not the way to express true appreciation anyway. Shouldn't an expression of appreciation be more warm and human and personal than just another business exchange? We think so. We want you to have something from us that has meaning and personality. And that is why we are incredibly proud to announce that for day two of customer appreciation week we bought you a...

Kitten!!!!

It should be at your door, delivered by courier, by 5:00 p.m.  If you haven't received it by then please hit the following personal tracking number for your kitten below for more information:

jkzka231A

Your kitten has had all its shots and comes pre named and with two cans of cat food and an ID collar.

We hope you enjoy your new friend and that perhaps sometimes you will think of us when you play with little Clerkmanifesto.

Thank you again for your patronage.

Dear Customer

Dear Clerkmanifesto Customer,


Thank you for consuming clerkmanifesto. We appreciate your loyalty and patronage. And that is why we have declared this week to be Clerkmanifesto Customer Loyalty Week. All week long we will be giving you very valuable stuff. How can we afford to do this? We can't. That's how appreciative we are!

To kick things off in style we want you to know that your next year of clerkmanifesto is entirely free. Yes, that's right, free. And if your clerkmanifesto account is already paid in full through the next year or any portion of it, we will be simply adding a whole year onto your account. There is no code, nothing to fill out, and no strings attached. A year from us to you is our first amazing gift and there are still six to go!

What?

You didn't know clerkmanifesto cost money?

 Er, well, hmmm. It doesn't exactly cost money, come to think of it.

Did I mention how good the next six gifts are?




  

Signing

I had finished shelving a cart of fiction books at the library and was heading back to the staff elevator. This path brings me directly in front of a small, glassed in study room. Four people were in the room having an extremely animated conversation in sign language. There are few instances in my life where I wished to know sign language more than at that moment. I badly wanted to catch their attention and sign to them:

"You people need to keep it down in there!" 

Dissipation

I'm no better than anyone else, well, I suppose I am sometimes, who isn't? But when it comes to that hunger for extracting something more out of the art we love, there I am no better than anyone else. If there's some song I love, or a novel, a painting or a poem, then I am keen to hear the artist's insights and secret revelations on his or her work. Please Mr. Dylan, tell me of your secret messages. The fact that there are none doesn't stop me.

At the Riverview Open Mike Night one of my favorite regulars (see Feline Dementia) told the story of how Don McLean was once asked (again) what the song American Pie meant to him. He replied "It means never having to work again for the rest of my life."

Good one.

I believe some of the power of art comes from its holding in of opposing forces. Art is both whole and entire unto itself, and yet it is all open ended and incomplete. So it is inevitable that we become both hungry and sated in it. But the artist who has succeeded has already said everything important in the art itself. They are no more equipped to guide you into it than any other perceptive person.

Let's talk about me.

Every once in awhile someone will ask me about one of the pieces I write here. Setting aside that I am first delighted and surprised that the person asking has read my essay, and setting aside that I am honored that it has created interest, and setting aside that I am incredibly eager to discuss said piece, and setting aside that, really, I'd be happy to discuss my blog with you for hours, I, sadly, have nothing useful to add.

A favorite old time co-worker of mine, who still occasionally substitutes at my job, asked me about one of my posts the other day. I was delighted for all those reasons stated above. And it was an eminently reasonable and straight forward question. It had a simple answer that I in no way regret giving. But I am aware that all I really succeeded in doing with my answer was to let a tiny bit of air out of that essay I had written. All I had done was to make that piece a small measure more flat.

I knew if I had a chance, I could make those people dance, and maybe they'd be happy for awhile.

What does writing clerkmanifesto mean to me?

It means losing everything I make.

Dear Sherman Alexie

Dear Sherman Alexie:



Someone donated one of your books to my library today. It was in such pristine condition (a freakish quality in any donated book to begin with), that I thought it was a new book of yours. It isn't. You're not going to love this, but I haven't read all of your books. This one is called War Dances. It came out in 2009. But I guess you probably knew that.

I opened your book and read the poem that was at the very start. It is called The Limited.

I liked it. I like your writing a lot, but I always seem to have some strange reaction to it. This time the ending was uncomfortably familiar. 

It goes:

...Why do poets think
They can change the world?
The only life I can save
Is my own.


You might not like this either, and seven years after the fact I can't imagine you haven't heard about it a few too many times to feel entirely comfortable, but, um, Mary Oliver:

...and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.


I am a person who draws conclusions perhaps too quickly and with too much heat. But lately I have been trying to draw more humble conclusions. I don't know if there is an allowable difference here, or if your poem is consciously issuing a touch of homage, after all, The Journey, by Mary Oliver seems like it must be a pretty famous poem. In this sort of situation the answer, when I find it, is always a little different than I can ever imagine it, and my interpretations are always a little short of what I might have known.

So what say I just throw my hands up, and you can say what you want about it. I can't help but wonder about it all, and so I am writing you, but I am not accusing you of anything. Indeed, I like your poem and do not make that provisional.

But I was thinking about both of these poems, yours and Mary Oliver's, which are both touched by the humility of being human, and I thought they were funny coming from two writers who have turned a few hearts towards light in their work.

It's true, of course, that the only life anyone can save is their own. But I have noticed, in a careful few of the people around me in my life, in pieces of the best art for me, that in saving one's own life, in the accident and virtue and trial of that journey, one sometimes, in strange ways, saves a few other lives as well. 

Maybe that's why poets think they can change the world. But yes, you should probably keep quiet about it.