Monday, March 12, 2018

How Jewish are you?

The other day I was compelled by honor to measure myself and the status of my Jewishness against The Ten Commandments, at least as they are translated into a fairly simple minded English. Depending on how one scored the results I am either a Tzaddik, that is a kind of a Jewish Saint, or the worst nightmare of my distant Shtetl ancestors. We would have to consult the Talmud to know for sure. Though on the other hand one can get the Talmud to say anything one wants if one tries hard enough.

Anyway, this little test I gave myself created quite a ............ well, I forget the word, but it means something like "not much interest."  And naturally people theoretically wanted to know how Jewish they were in relation to The Ten Commandments, only in actuality they didn't, as far as I know. And so, by no particular demand, I have created this little test, er, for those people, in case they might be out there. 

How Much of a Traditional Jew are You?
Read the commandment below and then choose the answer that best fits your response.

1.    I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have any gods before me.

A. You're the boss! Please don't smite me!

B. Ohhh, there are other gods? Interesting...
C. You seem a little needy and insecure. Would you like to talk about it?
D. Jesus doesn't count does he? Cause he's you, too, right?

2.    You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything.

A. This is my favorite commandment!

B. I like it too. I have embroidered it on my special Tallit.
C. No worries. All my idols are invisible magic ones.
D. I promise to sell all my idol "doubles" on ebay. How's that?

3.   You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

A. I am uncomfortable even breathing the holy word, and wish you would quit blasphemously fully spelling out G-D like you do. Please stop. 

B. I mostly just use it to open jars.
C. I mostly just use it to make injuries hurt less.
D. Well, aren't you Mr. Bossy. There's still seven more of these?

 Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

A. Friday sundown to Saturday sundown, though I add an hour on each end to make sure.

B. I keep every second holy just to make sure it's covered.
C. "Now" is the holiest day of them all.
D. Making money is the holiest thing one can do. But, okay, I try and relax a bit on Sunday morning.

Honor your father and your mother.

A. Mum and Dad are the best.

B. I try and I keep getting cancer and yelling at everyone I know.
C. Oops, I thought it was "Iron" your father and your mother. They are mostly wrinkle free. Will I get any points for this?
D. Hail Satan!

You shall not murder.

A. I am a faithful fruitarian.
B. I only kill by the laws of Kashrut.
C. I only murder when my handler at Mossad tells me to.
D. It was self defense all 627 times, hallowed be his name!

You shall not commit adultery.

A. Neither in mind nor body.

B. Absolutely, as soon as I marry.
C. Never for pleasure.
D. Does this apply to Presidents?

You shall not steal.

A. I'd rather die!

B. Oh, "A" puts it rather strongly. Er, I mean, only if I were starving.
C. Right, like "A" and "B" and then some occasional "tips" that people would surely want to give me if they knew me personally, which is not stealing anyway.
D. Never! I run a completely legal Fortune 500 Corporation! Hollowed be His name.

 You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

A. I am blessed with wonderful neighbors, but no matter what I would always honor their say.

B. Okay. Sure. Whatever.
C. They lied about me first!
D. Which neighbor? The dog poisoners or the one who keeps sneaking into my house to read my mail?

You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, or property.

A. As you wish my Lord. I put my faith in you.

B. As you wish my Lord. I turn away from my neighbors sweet, sweet, aegian blue Honda Civic Coupe.
C. I don't covet it. I just really think I deserve it more.
D. Right, don't covet, just work really hard to get one of my own. Gotcha!


For every A. answer give yourself three points.
For every B. answer give yourself two points.
For every C. answer give yourself one point.
Sorry, no points for any D. answers.

Add your totals.

You score 25 to 30:

The Torah is the holy word of G-D

You score 18 to 24:

The Bible, while fictional, is an inspired work full of inspiration and guidance

You score 8 to 17:

Gosh, I never read these before. They were interesting!

You score 0 to 7:

Praise Jesus. Hallelujah!

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