Monday, October 5, 2015
Second follow up letter to editor
Dear Editor:
It is with great regret I send this bill to you. I only do it under extreme duress. The print business is a difficult one, and I don't want to add red to your bottom line. Unfortunately, being an unsuccessful writer with an increasingly bizarre muse is, perhaps, almost unbelievably, even more economically precarious than trying to publish a magazine in the age of the Internet. If I don't properly respect my costs, outlays, and debts owed I could find myself cutting into my general living expenses merely in order to fund my gift to humanity, that is, my writing.
I don't mind giving a fancy gift like this to humanity. I can even bear it if they don't particularly like my gift. I just don't want to have to pay for the privilege of doing so. Is that so much to ask?
Is that so much to ask!!!
And so, alas, I must submit my bill to you.
Five days ago I submitted material to your magazine. Not hearing from you on our proposed collaboration I sent a follow up letter 26 hours later. I was sure we could work together to great effect, but as I have so frequently noticed, my confidence is often wildly misguided. I must face the hard facts. The partnership that I foresaw is clearly not to be. If my charges seem punitive or vengeful, know that it is not so. Indeed the opposite is true. I have made them as cheap as possible. It is merely enough for me to totter on to the edge of solvency. You may even notice that, because you are such a valued customer, I applied a total of four special credits and discounts to help with your account.
Nevertheless a bill is a bill and payment in full is due in two weeks.
Initial Contact Postage Fee.............................. 71 cents
Reminder Postage Fee..................................... 49 cents
Administrative Reminder Processing Fee.......... 99 cents
One Time Reminder Introductory Credit......... -99 cents
Late or No Response Fee............................... 15 cents
"Let's be friends" Credit................................. -20 cents
Public Facilities USPS Application Tax*.......... 11 cents
2nd Reminder Bill Fee................................... 3 cents
Bill Postage Fee............................................ 49 cents
Good Will Postage Fee Reduction......................... -5 cents
New Customer Percentage Reduction........... -8 cents
*A mandatory government query tax long opposed by Writers' Digest Magazine.
Total Amount Due........................................ $1.65
Please disregard this fee if you are in the process of remitting an acceptance letter and offer as regards work.
You may, in that case, still be liable for late charges, postage fees, and application taxes, but they will not exceed $1.65, and you will receive a new, adjusted bill at time of my receipt of that acceptance letter.
Thank you,
F. Calypso Enterprises
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If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.
I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!
One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.