Clerkmanifesto for all your needs

 

In my seemingly never ending current obsession with clerkmanifesto t-shirt designs I made three billion new ones today.

You are probably thinking:

"Ha. Three billion is surely an exaggeration. It was probably only two new t-shirt designs!"

Or maybe you were just letting clerkmanifesto wash over you like waves of jazz music.

Yeah, probably that second one.

Anyway, there are an awful lot of new t-shirt designs because I really love to give my t-shirt customers a ton of choice.

As my big t-shirt customer I like that about me.

Nevertheless, I don't want to overwhelm you with all my t-shirt designs today. Especially since, for all its numbers, it is a variation on one basic design concept.

So here are just a few hundred thousand designs:

The case of the missing tape dispenser

 

For a long time we had a black cat tape dispenser at the front desk of my library. Library patrons would use this for their taping needs. It was sort of cute. Also it was a bit difficult to use because it didn't balance very well. But "not being very good" is something of a virtue when it comes to equipment at the front desk of the library. Really good things have a tendency to disappear, but things that look like this:

stick around for awhile. This stapler's jaunty paint job has worn off from the constant use over time, which only makes it more likely that no one will walk off with it.

Unfortunately, despite its wonky functionality, our cat tape dispenser, like so many things around here, finally disappeared.

I can't take a picture of the cat tape dispenser, because we no longer have it, but curiously enough there is now a "missing" sign that one of my colleagues mysteriously printed multiple copies of. 

It looks like this:

Which begs the question:

Where did they get a picture of the cat tape dispenser for this flyer?

Capitalism sucks, but there are worse things than democracy

 

In my flurry of t-shirt designs, most of which involved the clerk manifesto cafe, and a few "Library Card Cafes" for yesterdays missive, I did make a couple "capitalism sucks" cafe designs as well. These were a reference to a bit from my weekly cartoon from 30 years ago where I pretended to sell very expensive "Capitalism Sucks" t-shirts. And why not? It's a fine bit of satire standing the test of time!

Anyway, here's one or two of these designs:

I know, so cute!

I'm not sure though how much punchy economic criticism I was going for here though. These might be as much a fit of pique over how I keep making t-shirt designs and want to order more t-shirts but can't quite afford it because I keep buying more and more tools to help me make better and better t-shirt designs.

Is this Capitalism's fault?

Probably. Most things are. But I've got some of my own things going on here too.

Ah well.

If I get really down about it, I can head on over to my local clerk manifesto café and grab a cup of coffee.

For like, eight dollars!

The library card cafe

 

I went to relieve one of my favorite co-workers at the front desk of the library. It was six in the evening. I was scheduled on the desk from six until seven. I said something dark about library cards. My co-worker reflected that she hadn't registered a library card in the whole hour she was at the desk. She was surprised that this had been so.

"They're all waiting for me." I said eeyorishly as I took over the desk computer. I started to add what was probably going to be a hilarious quip as she walked away, but a woman came to the front desk and interrupted me.

"Can I get a library card?" She asked.

As soon as I finished I raced to the back room to share the hilarity of it all with the co-worker who had just missed out.

"They were all waiting for you." She observed drolly.

So I went back to the desk where a man and his son stood.

"We're new to the area and we'd like to get library cards."

I briefly toyed with the idea of converting Clerkmanifesto to an all complaining about library cards all the time format. But there were three problems with this plan:

1. Complaining about library cards might be nearly as boring as making library cards.

2. Library cards are wonderful.

3. Making library cards for people is a lot like getting a vaccination: One might dread it a bit. And it might sting momentarily. But it's over quickly and one probably won't have to get another library card for that person for at least a year but usually forever.

So I scrapped the new Clerkmanifesto library card complaint format and made these cute designs, some suitable for t-shirts, instead. I was only occasionally interrupted to make library cards.

 

The post I did not write

 

It is always much nicer to write my daily clerkmanifesto essay at the library. That way I can enjoy the evening with my wife without having the writing project hang over the night, ending up causing me to venture into the wee hours to get it done instead of properly sleeping. But here I am at the library with just 15 minutes to go before the library closes and I've got nothing! 

Nothing funny or interesting has happened today at work.

Oh, there was that one person at the front desk who had to tell me her library card number and did it like this:

Four....

Two....

Eight....

sixnineeightfivethreeohninetwofive.

And I thought seriously about writing on that incident. 

But I like to think you expect more from clerkmanifesto. 

I do.

The greatest essay ever written

Well, maybe not the greatest essay ever written. It's more like a short essay, or a kind of a modified paragraph. So properly speaking it's the greatest paragraph ever written, but that doesn't sound right. Also, "paragraph" isn't exactly what it is either, is it? I mean, at any second I might break out of the paragraph into the single sentences that are historically one of my stylistic flourishes.

Like this.

So probably we'd best discuss this as the greatest blogpost of all time. But I'm not wild about "Blogpost" at this point in history where "blogpost" has come to mean something more like "soulless marketing text" rather than a piece of original, independent prose.

Hmmm.

Greatest piece of original, independent prose?

I don't know.

It seems wordy.

Finest short prose piece?

Best all time bit of writing?

Top concise composition?

How about:

Greatest miniature work of literature ever written?

I like that, but I am haunted by one small, niggling detail:

How great can any piece of writing be if the author cannot be bothered to correct the title of it?

Financial support for clerkmanifesto over the years

 

Welcome to Clerkmanifesto!!!

Many people ask me: "Back in the teens when Clerkmanifesto was pulling in a lot of money but still had a policy of not personally profiting from it, what did you do with all that cash?"

Thank you for your question. 

Watch your step on the green slime. 

No, the cat doesn't bite unless he's in a fight.

I used the Clerkmanifesto money to buy land to create branded wildlife protected refuges across various areas of the upper Midwest. One can still visit the "Clerk Manifesto Woodland Refuges" to this day! And because of their protected status they look much the same today as they did when we acquired them.

Granted, it wasn't all that much money so please use caution if you visit.

Bakery preparations

 

My favorite bakery is about a mile down the street from us. Lately my dear wife and I go over there about once a week, and I get a loaf of bread. It's not exactly what I might think of as a "normal" loaf of bread. It tends to have a lot of local grains in it, and maybe a spare ingredient or two I wouldn't have thought of for bread. It also costs more than I ever imagined a loaf of bread might cost; nine, ten, eleven, twelve dollars. But I have found that I can pick any bread there, take it home, and find it profoundly delicious. Today's bread was called something like Mueslibrot, and it had rye, oats, apricots, and several other things I can't remember. This one was a dense, heavy, squared off loaf. At home, feverish with hunger, I cut a slice of it, spread some homemade maple lime tamari mayonnaise thickly on it, threw some local smoked turkey on top of it, along with a few slices of ripe avocado.

That bite!

I felt like a cooking genius.

I am not a cooking genius.

It's really good bread.

Around the corner from this particular bakery is another one that only opens four days a week, and then only for a handful of hours until it sells out, which it surely does every time. I have never eaten anything from this bakery because I couldn't hack the wait in line which is always prodigious. So around the corner from the best bakery I have been to in Saint Minneapolis and possibly the whole United States, is another that is, apparently, so good that people wait in line for half an hour despite the first one being readily available.

What is going on with all these great bakeries!

And then, heading in the opposite direction from these bakeries, though still only a few miles away, is a patisserie where we get our flourless brownies. Their patisserie are also terrific, and an hour ago we had a a rocher, which was basically like a macaroon, but maybe the best one I've had.

So...

I have a theory.

Saint Minneapolis knows we are leaving for France soon.

It's helping to prepare us.

Sizzle reel

 

Over the past day I have been making these little short pieces that are too small for anything featured, and have not yet led into more complicated longer pieces. But they are fun little treats and even involve one of my co-workers who obliged by acting in a couple clips. I have assembled them all into today's sampler clip, which is mainly filmed in my library.

I have added music because you deserve the full burst of entertainment!

As usual with embedded video, click to prime. Enlarge on the bottom right, and click to play.

The 64 dollar tomato

 

There is a book that kicked around our library system over the past couple of decades called "The 64 Dollar Tomato". I never managed to read it, though I may have brought it home once or twice over the years with good intentions. The conceit it seems to be based on is an appealing and familiar one: That a simple hobby like gardening can come with so many costs, failures, and expenses that, well, growing one's own tomato can end up shockingly expensive.

I kept thinking about that book as I worked on the video below.

One of the video generators I circle around to periodically had a new feature I've been waiting for, so I spent money on some credits that allow me to generate AI... stuff.

Some of it worked just how I wanted!

But a lot of it didn't! And I went through most of my credits at a feverish clip that made me grumble quietly to myself:

"The 64 Dollar Tomato!"

But the movie is pretty neat. I think I'd make more things like this, especially the trippy bugheart section, if I had the credits. 

But I don't.

So I hope you enjoy my 64 dollar movie. Well, not a movie, more like a clerkmanifesto TV commercial. Which actually makes it a pretty good deal for the price. Which, if a homegrown tomato is good enough, can be true for it too.

Shovel load of coal

 

I am at the front desk of the library, again. I am tired today, in so many ways. I sigh heavily. I climb up on my high chair. I poke at the computer. Poke, poke, poke. In between library patrons I look over towards the Friends of the Library Bookstore to my right. The title of a small book on display leaps out at me:

"Ennui to Go"

Alas, it is too much trouble to go look at it.

Dipping into the magic hat

 

Is six years ago a long time, or is it practically yesterday?

I thought I would crank up the way back machine and travel to the March 3, 2019 post and see if it felt like a long time ago, or if it felt like it just happened. But I have a secret suspicion that no one here reading today is so familiar with the history of clerkmanifesto that it will seem like anything other than...

New.

But it would also be nice if one of you out there encountered this and thought:

"Oh, yes. This one."

This one was called "Guns"

It goes like this:

Due to some initiative of the County we hand out gun locks at my library. This means every once in awhile someone wanders up to me at the front desk and says "I heard maybe that you might have gun locks to give out?"

And I cheerily respond "We do!" (I like to give out good news). "How many would you like?" I ask.

I see their eyes light up and I see the calculation run through their brain that says "I would like 20, but what is the amount I can ask for and not seem like I'm planning on killing a bunch of people?" So I add "You can have three." Because that is how many they can have.

They say "I would like three" because this is America and that's how we roll. Well, not anyone I actually know, but on the Internet it's how I hear we roll.

So I go to the secret box in the Many Managers Office and get three gun locks. I take them to the front desk and I say "I need to see your guns to hand these over."

Just kidding. I don't say that. Though it might be fun. No, what I say is "Please do come back if there's a Zombie invasion. We'll need help."

They say "Ha ha ha." Then they go home and do gun safety and maybe do and maybe don't kill a bunch of people.

So, that's it.

That's nice.

You know what I said when I read this?

"Oh, yes. This one."

Here then is a random movie clip bonus for you today because that's the kind of blogpost we're having. 

No sound cause it's... short. 

Click to set, enlarge with the bottom right corner, click to play.

The agony of defeat

 

In the big giant massive annual library puzzle contest today, with 36 (mostly) 4-person teams competing, I told the 4th place team that they finished in third place by six seconds! But little did I realize that the real third place team had pipped them to the bronze by five seconds! 

Three teams finished within 11 seconds of each other!

Anyway, I felt bad about it.

The fourth place team was pretty bitter about it too when it was all straightened out.

"So we don't get any trophy?" One of them asked.

"No. I'm sorry." I replied. "But you're welcome to this puzzle you just finished."

They took the puzzle. 

And hopefully I'll be over it myself in a few weeks.

Busy day at the library

 

It was a busy day at the library.

The responsibilities involved helping to prepare my library for a major 150 person puzzle contest, there were the many, many library visitors who needed assistance, a newer co-worker who I don't think will ever be up to the job, and an urgent need to produce pictures of cute, anthropomorphic creatures having coffee at Clerkmanifesto Cafe, suitable for t-shirts and stickers. I also needed to finish listening to a novel on my phone, study French, and urgently order some 3-ring notebooks for one of the library's investment publications.

As you can clearly see here, at least I got the most important thing done.