Monday, May 22, 2023

The no-win situation


It was the last day before I was off at the library for 12 days. I get particularly sensitive when I know I'm going to be gone from work for an extended time. I don't want to carry any bad feeling with me into a vacation or into any long time off. I am especially careful to not make any mistakes, get in any fights, leave anything under-stocked, and to leave anything in any of my spaces others might use. I don't want to be thinking or worrying about work or co-workers when I'm blissfully away from it all.

So it was concerning to me, on this last day of work, when it seemed like a long time colleague wasn't talking to me. Had I offended her? Did she overhear me saying something that hurt her feelings? What was going on?

I don't like being disliked.

So later that day when I was sitting with that same co-worker while I was assigned to the phones, and she started chatting with me, quite normally and volubly, I was relieved. As perhaps too often happens with me, I think people are thinking about, reacting to, and considering me far more than they ever are. And furthermore I too often leave myself and feel too exposed to the opinions of others about me, rather than nurturing my own sense of self. 

I needed to focus on being with myself!

Which, alas, put me in this ironic situation:

I was uncomfortable when she wasn't talking to me, and now that she was, I wished she would leave me alone.

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