Saturday, November 17, 2018

Staple profligacy

From the library supply department

Dear Staff:

In my role as procurer of supplies for the library I am always more than happy to acquire the things we need to properly conduct business at this library.

However, I am not keen to purchase items we carelessly squander. Which brings me to the subject of staples.

I understand that we run a lot of staplers at this library. There is the Reference Stapler, the Phone Reference Stapler, the Book and Magazine Repair Stapler, the Circ Phones Stapler, the Circ Workroom Stapler, the two Patron Supplies Areas Staplers, the Children's Room Stapler, and the Front Desk Stapler. It takes a ton of staples to keep that many staplers going! It makes sense that every once in awhile we run out of a box of staples.

But do you know how many staples come in a box?

Five thousand staples come in a box of staples!

Yes, five thousand.

And do you know how many staples it takes to get, say, five sheets of paper all to stay together in a nice, handy, stapled way?


So how is it that just tonight a Reference Librarian came downstairs to ask for a new box of staples again? How is it that we have gone through three full boxes of staples in a month?

Three boxes! Fifteen thousand staples!

Did you know that one staple is invariably strong enough to staple something together without any help from more staples? More staples are redundant! Science supports this.

Did you know that you don't need to test and discard a staple every time you use a stapler? Just staple! Our staplers work just fine. Or use a paper clip for god's sake. They're reusable. Staple, staple, staple, staple! You people are killing me!

And so in conclusion I merely ask "What are you people doing with all these staples?" And I humbly recommend that before you wantonly next staple something, please consider that these are not valueless, meaningless, endless commodities. Each staple you use has a value of .05 cents. No, no, it's not, thank God, five cents, rather point zero five cents or a twentieth of a cent. But for every needlessly used staple that is still .05 cents that we can never use towards the purchasing of materials for our collection.

Just think on all that hard math the next time you want to slam down on one of our many, many quality staplers. 

Please. I beg of you.

Thank you for your time, care, and attention to this matter.

Most sincerely,

The Supply Department

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