Tuesday, February 25, 2020

The Terrible Confessions of a Bernie Bro

If one pays even a passing attention to American politics these days one will have likely heard of the Bernie Bros.  These terrors of the political landscape are fervent in their support of their candidate Bernie Sanders. These "Bernie Bros" are said to haunt the Internet, exuding hostile righteousness to everyone who dares to disagree with them. Many people, like the former chief financial officer of Pfizer, or several of the VP's of JPMorgan Chase have no problem whatsoever with Bernie Sanders, but are deeply concerned about these tyrants of the Internet and what they and their behavior says about a Bernie candidacy.

But just who are these Bernie Bros? When cornered most Sanders supporters claim this rough behavior is attributable at the worst to a very few bad eggs, and even people who self identify as "Bernie Bros" insist that they are polite, though vigorous in defense of their candidate. But surely people aren't just making up these wild Bernie Bros. And if they exist, where are they? Will no one stand up and admit to being one of these dreaded, ferocious Bernie Bros so resoundingly condemned in this Presidential race?

I will. I will stand up and make my confession.

It is time to come clean.

I am a Bernie Bro.

I didn't start out mean. I merely can't seem to help myself. I get so excited about free healthcare, legal marijuana, and a $15 minimum wage that the world starts to spin. I start out reasonable, just sharing my views, but before I know it a red haze overcomes me. I become the dreaded, reviled BERNIE BRO, terror of the Internet!

I don't plan on losing it when I go out onto twitter and reddit. I am not out to wreak havoc. Just the other day a Klobuchar supporter said that Amy had a moderate, doable plan for getting more people on healthcare while letting them have their options and the ability to keep their beloved insurance plans. 

I wanted to say something civil. But somehow I simply couldn't resist. Instead of thinking I said "I believe healthcare is a human right and the amount we spend so inefficiently in America on healthcare is far more than we'd need to insure everyone in a government plan like Bernie's Medicare for All." 

I still feel horrible about saying it. Sometimes I just don't think about how this will make other people feel. It was harsh and unconsidered. And I cringe now to think of some of the language I used.

But did it stop me? No! A Buttigieg supporter posted "I really feel Pete is the most electable candidate and we have to win this election!"

I really did want to say something friendly. I wanted to start a dialog, but instead, foolishly, like a madman, I blurted out "I agree that we do have to win this. But I also think that 2016 showed that we aren't as good as we think we are at predicting who actually is electable. Maybe the best idea is to vote for who we think would be the best President."

I burn with shame when I think of these cruel words. "vote for who we think would be the best President." Why why why did I have to be so antagonistic?

But then before I knew it someone said "I support Biden."

Typically I lost composure again. I'm a Bernie Bro. I'm a terror. I said "I support Bernie, but I'd be okay with Warren."

Was it too savage? 

I had to admit it was.

Was it eviscerating?

Quite probably.

Was it cruel?

I'm so sorry, yes. Yes it was cruel! I only hope that one day the civil and inclusive Democratic Party can maybe forgive me.

Anyway, I think it was around this time, reeling with shame, that I began to understand the terror people felt when dealing with Bernie Bros like myself as we rampaged across the Internet, hurling our invective. I began to understand that maybe my very over-excitement was scaring people off who would naturally love Bernie.

I was my own worst enemy. I was my candidate's worst enemy! I resolved to do better. 

But sometimes that's not enough.

Very recently I was on the Internet once again. I saw something about Mike Bloomberg. It was very positive. It was all about how he could "get it done". There were American flags flying behind him. Then he shook Obama's hand!

I guess I kind of lost it.

I know it's weird, but I don't like billionaires. It's probably just jealousy or not hating black people or something. But whatever it was I kind of went crazy for a moment. In a fit of wild, ill-advised, Bernie Bro passion I clicked 

"Please don't show me ads like this anymore."

I immediately thought "What have I done?" 

Now I was out of control. I was stifling free speech!

That's when I knew how deeply serious my problem was, now that I had even failed my own principles. 

That's when I knew I had to make my full confession to the Internet.

This is it. 

I'm sorry.

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