Saturday, January 21, 2023

Dear Editor: Wet your beak


Dear Editor,

I know that you are accustomed to receiving book proposals from authors filled with enthusiasm for the importance and artistic vision of their work. But publishing is a business. And no matter how brilliant a writer may or may not be, a book has to make money.


We authors send our books to you and ask you to gamble your precious money. It's not our money we gamble, it's your money.

This is so unfair!

I won't do it! I refuse to come here and ask you to gamble your money on my book, no matter how good I think this book is.

That is why I am guaranteeing the first million dollars of income for the publication of this book. 

If I am confident enough to ask you to outlay your money and resources for this book, surely I should be confident enough to simply outlay my own.

That is why I am sending you one million dollars to publish my book. This million dollars will serve as a guarantee for your first million dollars in earnings for my book and will stand as your minimum earnings. You can still earn more if my book makes more than a million dollars. But you cannot earn less. 

If you run this by your accountant your accountant will say "This is a good deal!"

Then you will look at each other and say, at the same time, "But what's the catch?"

There is no catch!

Except that as an unpublished author I don't have a million dollars.

Can I borrow a million dollars?

I am so looking forward to working with you,

Yours, etc. etc.,

Feldenstein Calypso

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