Many people wonder why the appearance of cute squirrels in clerkmanifesto is so vanishingly rare. One reader even wrote in recently to ask:
"Do you ever post pictures of cute squirrels on your website?" And then this person, or more likely bot, wanted me to click a link where I could sign up for better SEO to increase my web traffic.
Why would I want to increase traffic?
Today my wife and I were coming back from a pottery tour in the hinterlands and were stuck in traffic for like 10 minutes and I almost lost my mind!
I almost lost my mind!
This alone says everything you need to know about the Internet:
It's all about the traffic, and yet everyone hates traffic!
Sorry. I got diverted there.
I'm okay now.
I just have these spells where I become suddenly... lucid.
We were talking about squirrels, cute ones, which is the key thing and the reason I have, let's check, three readers.
That's counting me. Honestly it's kinda dwindled over the years.
Anyway, the reason why you will almost never see cute squirrels on clerkmanifesto is because the prerequisites for showing cute squirrels are breathtaking.
Almost impossible to achieve!
Endless! Challenging! Cruel! Ruinous! Demanding!
UNBELIEVABLE!
Here, believe it or not, are the prerequisites for showing cute squirrels:
1. Find a cute squirrel.
If you think this is easy you haven't looked at very many squirrels lately. They are sometimes almost cute, at a distance. But they are also rodents. I'm saying it's an uphill battle. For instance here is a squirrel I took a picture of recently. It was a rare black squirrel, which might be a little harder to tell from all the things I did to make the picture extra artistic.
Is it cute?
No, it is not cute,
But it is artistic.
2. Get a picture of the cute squirrel.
You may not have observed this but squirrels move around, like, nearly all the time. Then if they stop and one walks towards them in order to get close enough for a picture, they definitely move around, generally to the other side of a tree. Then if you take a picture of them you just get a picture of a tree.
3. Have the picture of the cute squirrel be not blurry.
See above about moving all the time.
4. Get two alternate angles to prove that the squirrel is really cute and it's not a freak accident.
See above and above.
5. Place the first picture, being one where a person is not entirely sure that the squirrel is cute.
This creates an uncertainty principle, placing the viewer in an undecided judging posture that makes them extra vulnerable to cuteness.
6. Follow up with a picture of the squirrel that is so cute it may not actually be possible to take such a picture because no squirrel might actually be this cute.
Who's to say?
7. Conclude with a picture of the squirrel cuter than the first picture but not as cute as the second picture.
This is so the viewer can function once again and not just be overwhelmed by the sheer cuteness of the squirrel. That is, it's to bring the cuteness back to manageable levels but still reaffirm the cuteness.
And that covers why you will probably never see a cute squirrel on clerkmanifesto. The standard is likely impossible to meet.
Unless...
Hmmmm.
What do I have here?
One,
yes,
two,
yes...
Hey, wait a minute.
Give me a moment.
No. It can't be. No! Yes!
What do I have here!
Oh my lord.
What do I have here!
Those are definitely cute squirrel pictures, especially the second one.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your affirmation!
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