Tuesday, April 2, 2019
I have read the Mueller Report! (AMA)
I have had the unique opportunity to be one of the very first people to read all 472 pages of The Mueller Report. Knowing that many people are interested in this report, and that only a brief summary as yet is publicly available of it, I am delighted to be able to come onto the Internet and answer your questions about it. Go ahead and ask me anything!
Q: I guess off the top this is the obvious question so I'll just come right out and ask it: What font did they use?
A: I was ready for that one! Times Roman.
Q: Does the report say whether there's a God?
A: I'm sorry, I'm not being coy here, and I want to be as forthcoming as possible about it, but I feel I would be doing a disservice to the report to say so here.
Q: I came here in good faith because I was interested, but, seriously, this is bullshit, and it's not even funny.
A: Okay "Comrade". Maybe for the future Putin can teach his bots to ask questions.
Q: No, but seriously, what's the deal with Trump? Collusion? Crime? Obstruction? What did it say about him?
A: Sorry. I skipped the stuff about Trump. It just gets me too upset and angry.
Q: Fine! ?
A: Um, please use your words.
Q: Okay, jesus, what, at least, is the tone of the thing; terse, legalistic, remote?
A: Aesthetic, sometimes almost elegiac. Mueller is a poet trapped in the role of a prosecutor. There are beautiful passages about the Winter breaking up into the Spring, and a strangely mournful seven page rumination on a banana/sesame gelato that he had in the "pure orange light of the Roman late afternoon sun." Although that actually went on rather too long if I'm honest about it.
Q: So, Vindicated?
A: Yes, the report completely vindicated me! And frankly it was almost embarrassingly complimentary to me and my writing. Nevertheless I was touched by Mueller's gesture and disappointed Barr made no reference to it.
Q: Here's a question for you: I question whether this is in any way a fair assessment of the Mueller Report!
A: Right, like the guy, Mueller, works his heart out for years on the report, and he's just going to stand by while somebody on the Internet misrepresents it? I don't think so!
Q: What's the number one thing you've learned from this report?
A: People aren't very nice to you on the Internet.